Echoes- That is exactly it- it feels like it has an evergy all its own. I am very much in touch with how it felt as a child to have tanturms. I had tantrums waaay pas the age when kids are "supposed" to have them. I remember how I felt, how it looked lying on the floor up at everything, how enraged I was and even when the storm was over, I felt exhausted, but not relieved of the rage. It was just a matte rof time before I would explode again. It "feels" like another part of me, if that makes sense. And it is HER that has these tantrums and feels so close to that rage. Its as if *I* cannot stop her.
I called ftt last night and left a message. She called me this morning. I felt so much better even hearing her voice. Im surprised I am getting to this place with her, trusting and liking her. She explained a lot to me about how to ground myself and we talked about grounding techniques and breathing. She said the process of working on trauma is long and difficult and the way to handle what comes up for me depends on how manageable the feelings are. It might be a good idea to go up some in dose with my lexipro. We talked about how to try to manage this tantruming 8 yo when I get triggered at home by my kids. To keep in mind that this is not my mother (or father) who didnt listen to me, but they are my children. And while the largest part of me knows that, this small child inside of me *feels* as if I am back in that original situation and I have a VERY difficult time controlling her in those moments. Ftt said this takes a lot of mental energy and as time and, with time and practice, it will get easier to not get triggered, but for now, I need to use whatever skills I have to breathe and talk gently to my triggered child.

I havent journaled about the anger yet. There is something about that that is scaring me. I am afraid of what might come up. Ftt gave me 2 appointments for next week, which will be great. Even though this is NOT the direction I wanted to or thought Id be going in, it seems to be what has come up, so I will go with it.