I had nightmares last night, which I always do, but somehow worse, more intense and more frequent then usual. What really freaked me out was when I finally got up & they just wouldn't stop. It went from nightmares to flashbacks then, I guess, all I know is I was awake, I was out of bed, but they didn't stop. It was horrible.

Somehow eventually I called T, sitting huddled in the corner of the kitchen floor. I think she might have had trouble even understanding what I was saying at that point but she figured it out. I moved back into my bed while I was talking to her and after we talked about grounding for a little while she asked me where I was, I said I was in bed. She told me to get up, take a hot shower or bath, and then call her back. So I did. I was at that point where I was like a robot, or a child, just doing what I was told.

I had another flashback while I was in the shower, but I made it through, remembering the whole time T's words, to keep my eyes OPEN and to remember to BREATHE. Got out of the shower, got back in bed (lol), called T back.

I had to go to the pharmacy, major anxiety about just having to leave the apt on a day like this, so we talked about that, and she suggested I reward myself with a trip to McDonald's for their $1 cheeseburger after the trip to the pharmacy. She said, get up, brush your teeth, comb your hair, go to the pharmacy, call me when you get back.

The pharmacy thing ended up being this huge problem with my meds not being ready and I had to go out to the parking lot and call T from my van, in tears AGAIN, and she talked me down, AGAIN. Told me exactly what to say to the pharmacist, told me how to return to them the extra meds they had given me, because REALLY, I don't need extra meds on hand right now. And said to call her when I got home again.

So I did it. And called her when I got home. By this time she was at home, not in her office anymore, and I apologized for bothering her but she said "zooropa, I'm just home, hanging out, I'll be here all night, you call me if you need to".

All this is just to say, my day started off pretty bad, started off in a hell of nightmares and memories of the worst things my mind knows, and I got through it, and my T was there with me, step by step, just as if she was holding my hand and walking with me through the deep, dark forest. It felt amazing to know I'm not walking through it all alone all the time anymore. Amazing.