((((Berries))))



Yes, I hear you. I know how this illness has reached out and robbed our life of what might have been. I know of the pain of feeling so alone that there is no one there. I hear the fear of reaching out to only be rejected once again. To fear even being when that alone is not a guarantee.

But I also know that if life was not the way it is, I would not be who I am today. I know that though what I have lived through has been not right or fair, it is what has made me the person I am today. It has brought me where I am today----here with you and all my PC family. Who's to say that I would have been here otherwise.

Where I was and where I have come today has been so painful yet I have grown as a person and I have compassion for others that I would not otherwise have. When I took the chance to reach out and allow myself to receive help, I also received the greatest earthly gift anyone could ever ask for------the gift of a friendship that I only dreamt about, one that came from above----one that otherwise probably would not have otherwise came.

It has been so painful and trying at times that I have wanted to end it but because of what I have been through, it has made me stronger and to be able to do things I never thought I could do. And even though at times right now it feels as though the world is crumbling beneath me and the waves of the past are crashing over me, as I walk back through the terror
I am finding the strength from within to walk forward----even one second at a time.

Sure it hurts when I think about all I have missed out on and all I have not been able to do----but when I look at it what would I have missed out on now not being this way? Yes, I have no one real family wise in my life but I have been blessed with my friend and her family, and with each one of you as my family. I would not trade that for anything.

The physical and emotional pain that we carry with us reminds us of what was and it hurts more than words can tell. Just today, for the first time I allowed myself to really feel the pain and to cry tears for what I went through and what I lost. It hurts more than I can tell you, but I now can grow from it and I can allow myself to heal with time. But I do not think that even a year ago I could have done this.

I hate what life has dealt me, I hate the thoughts and feelings that I carry, I hate that years and years of my life are lost as though grains of sand, I hate that for so many years I hid in fear and had to hide everything I felt--everything I was.

But I am grateful that I have been blessed with words and the ability to reach out. For it is in my words that I have strength. Though many times
when I write pain is rushing out--within that pain I am growing and opening up for the first time--and I am finding the me I really am.

Berries, you have been through so much, lost much, and yet, you give to each of us in support, encouragement, and of yourself. We may not have had a "normal" life but then again what is normal. The road we have walked on has been full of pot holes, trenches, rocks and thorns, dry areas, some of the darkest valleys that go on and on, and yet, we walk.

Falling down, running to sometimes barely crawling, storms that seem to rage on and on, hail and high winds that toss us to and fro, dust storms that blind us for days, heat that burns us unrelentingly. But we walk together reaching forth the best we can. Helping one another through and listening with open hearts.

Yes, we have felt much sorrow and lost but we have been blessed in ways that otherwise we would not have been. I do not know if I have made any sense but I know I have tried. My heart hurts yet I know I have a safe haven here amongst my friends and PC family. A place to share and regroup. A place to let go and learn from so many. A place to have a friend like you and many others here that have enriched my life in so many ways.

Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts always.

dps