Nothing is wrong with me. Nothing. I am fine, I'm okay, I'm good, I'm here, I'm strong, I'm capable and I'm functioning. Why the hell am I so apathetic and scared? What is WRONG with me? I go to a therapist only to push her as far away as I can and let myself continue to stumble. I'm not falling, I just think I am. I have a great life with a great family. I'm going to a great school and my grade point average proves I'm smart no matter how many excuses I use ("The class was easy..." "I was lucky...") and I've got everything in the world going for me. So, why is it then, that I cannot trust, believe, or allow myself to truly fall for anyone? Anyone else find themselves in this same dilemma?

I can't trust myself. I go from okay, to unhappy, to bliss, to content, to angry within minutes. I go from certainy to scared in seconds. I had a therapist, and through awesome manipulation, had her believe that I was okay enough to quit. To not go anymore. The problem was, that the manipulation wasn't even what I sincerely meant to do. But with time and effort, it happened anyway. I'm hoping to attribute these feelings to just being young and confused, but I think I've felt this way since I was 12, 13. And yet, I never come online (or in real life) and truly discuss these things with anyone. I mean, why, when I can fix it all, always, by myself? Or atleast thats what I think. But I always find myself stuck in the same mud pit. I think one day I will truly get sick of this (even though I think I already am) and do something about it. But why bother other people with your problems, therapist or civilian? Why do that? They have their own problems, issues, and uncertaintys. Why add yours on top of theirs? That's what I've learned. Be self-sufficient and don't ask for help. It means either pay back, or trouble, or being looked down upon for not being able to do it by yourself.

I don't mean to do one of these online rants or whatever but I can't help it. I saw my T for the last time today (even though I already hadn't seen her in months) and I'm just pissed off at how much time I wasted and how I really feel like I started to trust her. But she's leaving, and I'm leaving for school, and I guess this all was just meant to happen. I'm just tired of being so tired. I'm tired of being bored, alone, angry, anxious, unsure, scared and lost at the same time.

Please tell me anyone else can relate? This is taking such a toll on me. I'm so god damn tired of it all. I just want. to. be. normal.