Sorry you're feeling this way Berries... I can safely say that no two people have the same experience with their mental illness. The illnesses are completely different between people and the responses of the people to their illness is different from everyone else. There can be similarities but to say I know exactly how you feel would not be true and would minimize your experience.

That being said... I absolutely have period where I am very upset over my illness. I have not been affected to the extent you have been. I maintain a full time job, and while I'm not married or with kids, I am working on it. It still angers and upsets me that life has become so much more difficult since being diagnosed 2 years ago. Sometimes it's so hard to even get out of bed and I think "I'm going to end up on disability and not working for the rest of my life." It's a scary thought for me. I know I function the best when I have a job. When I have responsibilities I can focus on that instead of the illness. If I get too focused on the illness I can get very depressed and tearful and angry. Maybe you could do volunteer work once a week or something like that where you had something you were obligated to do but if you did cancel there would be any punishment. Just a thought...

While our experiences are completely different, I do feel grief. I feel grief that my life isn't what it used to be. I feel grief that I've let this illness affect my family and friends at times. I think it's part of the process. Maybe you could discuss the issue with your T or Pdoc if you have one. Just hang on and realize that to an extent grief feelings are okay... we just can't let them take control of our lives... so volunteer, go walk around the park or around Wal-Mart, or do whatever it is you do to comfort yourself. If it's not working reach out to your support persons for help. Take good care and I'll be thinking of you... it's so hard sometimes.