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candragabel · 01:26 PM

I have a friend that passed a couple weeks ago due to suicide. I grew up with her and looked at her and loved her like a sister. I have known her for the better part of 20 years. She was found in her home by her fiance and is survived by her two children.

I am really struggeling with this loss. I have experienced death before. I have had family and friends fall to illness, age, accident and even had their lives taken by another hand. I was always able to find an answer to these losses, I was always able to find closure and make peace with it, remember happy times and move forward with my life. With this loss I feel lost in the wind.

When my friend was found there was no note. No one near her in the days leading to her death noticed anything out of the ordinary to cause concern. She behaved as she always had. Even had a phone conversation making plans to catch a movie the weekend after the Thanksgiving holiday with her father not 30 minutes before she was picked up by the coriner.

I cannot make sense of why she would have chose to end her life. It was her decision to make however I cannot see it. I cannot answer the questions I have and I have no one to lean on (it seems to me anyway) to help me find the peace I need.

I cannot make sense of the emotions I am experiencing. The people in my life are used to me being the rock, they would not be able to carry the burden of my feelings so I keep them to myself and hope for the best. I feel confused, guilty for not having been around more in the past few years, hopeful that she is happy wherever she is now and I am angry at her for not atleast leacing something behind to explain why this was the decision she felt had to be made. I view suicide as a permanent solution to a temporary problem and I cannot believe that a mother with two young children (6yr and -2yr) would leave her children for any reason. I am a mother that solely depends on myself for my children's upbringing even though I am married. I know that when all else fails I am the only one to do the job. I cannot think of even one thing that would bring me to leave my family like that. I don't know how to cope with these feelings. I have been trying to find someone to lean on hoever no one understands how I feel, or they just won't let me talk about it. I feel like my back is against a wall and will just have to carry these emotions in the pit of my stomach for the rest of my life. I feel I need to get them out, be able to cry in order to allow the pain to heal.

I am not a psychologist so I don't know how necissary it is for people to let their feelings out, I just feel that it would be helpful because I do not like feeling tortured by a ghost so to speak.