I have been having a really hard time in therapy lately and have had a few emails back and forth with my T about some of this, even tried a letter in session to try to bring some of this into session but it didn't turn out the way I would have liked. I felt such frustration from my T. Yet, she tells me she is not angry with me. I know I need to trust that but some of her comments or the way she says them lead me to believe other wise. I am trying very hard to take her word for it.

In session Thursday she said to me, you test me alot. It's as if your looking to find something wrong to say see you failed me. In reality I know that is true. I do do that, I need to know she is safe, really safe, and that she is going to be there for me when or if I really need her. I need lots of reassurance from her. While not all her client's need that, I do I am sure that stems from my background. I have an extremely hard time trusting anyone and have always had surface level friendships for as long as I can remember.

My T even asked me who she reminds me of, I said no one. I think the word transference may have been looming in her mind. Sometimes I think the relationship does remind me of my relationship with my mom. She was there but never really there, she was never comforting, or reassuring. When I did get a hug from her it was always me who initiated it. I never knew what mood she was going to be in from day to day (so I was always on alert) and I was always worried about having to take care of her because of how horrible my step dad was to her. I told my T I need lots of reassurance before but I am not sure if she gets that. She asked me what I needed from her to show she cared and I didn't even know what to say. I feel like if I have to say it, then it's not really genuinely coming from her. Does that make sense? Then again, if I don't tell her, how will she know? This loop is horrible.

Anyways, it's only in this past year that I have begun a friendship with someone where I have been able to let more of me out so to speak. It's scary because of my fear of abandonment but at the same time feels good to.

I told my T that even with her I am afraid to let all this out only to have to part in the end. It's my same fear in relationships. I feel safer keeping all of this stuff to myself, yet at the same time hate doing that as well because I want to have intimate relationships.

Near the end of session I looked at her and told her that I am really sorry I am so hard on her. That I realize I am hard on her and don't mean to be that way.

Does anyone else find it completley difficult to trust their therapist? Do you find it so difficult to connect with them for fear of being hurt?