Quote:
Originally Posted by hangingon
My T even asked me who she reminds me of, I said no one. I think the word transference may have been looming in her mind. Sometimes I think the relationship does remind me of my relationship with my mom. She was there but never really there, she was never comforting, or reassuring. When I did get a hug from her it was always me who initiated it. I never knew what mood she was going to be in from day to day (so I was always on alert) and I was always worried about having to take care of her because of how horrible my step dad was to her. I told my T I need lots of reassurance before but I am not sure if she gets that. She asked me what I needed from her to show she cared and I didn't even know what to say. I feel like if I have to say it, then it's not really genuinely coming from her. Does that make sense? Then again, if I don't tell her, how will she know? This loop is horrible.
Anyways, it's only in this past year that I have begun a friendship with someone where I have been able to let more of me out so to speak. It's scary because of my fear of abandonment but at the same time feels good to.
Does anyone else find it completley difficult to trust their therapist? Do you find it so difficult to connect with them for fear of being hurt?
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Oh, hanginon! Even though our backgrounds are so different...lots of this resonates with me. I have been with my T for two years...and we still talk about me being nervous, and she still says that she thinks I don't believe anyone can help me. We are still working on trust.
I too had to gauge my mother's moods. I never knew if it would be a day where she would be happy and in a good mood and I could be myself, or if it was a day where she was angry and I just tried to be as invisible as possible to avoid making her more mad.
My T also loveeess to bring about any issue I have where I'm afraid of something she'll say, or a reaction I am afraid of right back to my childhood. Whenever I bring something up that I am afraid of, she'll go "Does this feeling of X remind you of anything?" More often than not, I shrug and say "No."
I get what she's doing--by making me see that it isn't her I'm responding to, but my own past...maybe it will make it easier to get through? I don't know. But sometimes I would love it if she just said "I won't get mad at you. I won't get fed up." And she has in certain ways---I think my brain doesn't let me really process that.
Just this past week I brought up very difficult stuff tht I was afraid that she was going to get fed up with me. She asked me directly if I ever felt that she was fed up....and I had to say no. I can't really ever remember her acting like it, but it doesn't mean she won't! She explained the difference of her getting frustrated at the fact that SHE can't help me being less anxious and open up more. That if she recommends maybe I try another T (she did that once), its because she wants me to get the best care possible.
At the end of the last session, she lowered her voice and goes "I am not going anywhere." I just sat there with such heavy feelings for a few seconds before I could get myself off that couch. I have to believe that.
Anyway--its ok if you still are testing her! My T has said pretty much the same thing, except she used the words "Pushing her"...and I think she is just pointing it out because she did not say it with any sort of defensiveness in her voice at all, and I am an expert and finding that. She has also mentioned that I don't believe anyone can help me...and yet she continues to try..and doesn't act defensive about that either. Like its not my fault. Weird!
Keep going, keep trying. I KNOW how frustrating it is. I've spent two years being frustrated. From everything you posted about ftt, she is amazing. She has shown so many ways how much she cares and understands you. I am with you along this journey, hangingon.
