I just want to tell you something I think you already know. I relate to every word, every word and that is how I operate as well.
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Originally Posted by treehouse
Thanks for the reminders to be gentle with me. In the past, if I felt even REMOTELY like this, I would cut or binge/purge or drink or take pills or do WHATEVER IT TOOK to change how I felt. Tonight I typed here and DRAGGED myself to AA and then came home and read your messages and popped popcorn for me and my youngest and watched a movie on the couch with him. That seems like progress when I write it down.
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You will make it through this, Tree, I know you will. And you will come out the other side with the experience to draw on for future times of how you made it through this. You know how much I can relate to all of the things we do to get away from our feelings, to escape in any way possible, but you didnt escape. You actually SAT with the feelings. Ftt told me when I called her yesterday that it takes so much, SO MUCH, mental energy and practice to sit with the feelings. She said that is the fallout of ptsd, the feelings and flashbacks that we live with as we do trauma work. You are getting exactly the practice that will heal your life- you hung out with your youngest, popped popcorn, watched a movie, it is progress...it is MORE! It is living life being you, with your story. As ftt said, with practice, these things and how to cope with the feelings will come naturally and easlily the more practice we have. And those feelings wont seem as large and overwhelming.
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It's scary to feel this bad. T says feelings are information, not emergencies. T says "How you feel right now is NOT who you ARE".
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I love this, I think about this from time to time. Our feelings are there to give us information, they are not emergencies...T is so wise
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I can't believe I told my H and my friend. And I just e-mailed a T I worked with last year for meditation instruction and told her. I don't know what I am doing. It's like the final frontier- I want to be seen and heard and believed and understood. I want to get mad at the people who hurt me and the people who turned a blind eye to some REALLY obvious stuff. Maybe I know that the people who love me will be mad FOR me? Maybe I need to see how someone besides T reacts. Maybe I want to see if anyone still loves me if they know how gross and dirty and disgusting I really am. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
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I think you will get positive responses all around. You are opening yourself up to the safest people you know so you can be YOU. It is brave, it is healing, it is the path to life.....it IS the final frontier...its as if the light there at the end of the tunnel is in front of you, not far away, but a glimmer that you can see if you squint and keep walking forward.
It makes me angry, too, at not just the perpetrators, but at those that turned a blind eye. In your life and in my own. How very, very healing to see how others react to you, Tree as Tree. People who are NOT therapists in a theraputic relationship with you. And have you seen how they love you? How much they care? And they dont see how dirty and disgusting you are, do they?
Isnt it nice? To feel how they love you?
I told a friend of mine, a long time friend, and the friendship soon ended, for other reasons, but very definitely the reasons included the csa stories. I thought I had made a mistake, but I actually learned a lot about our friendship and processed it with dt. So, it wasnt the mistake I thought it was. I then told another friend who turned out to be a wonderful, supportive, close friends, like a sister. And I know now what it is to share and be heard and loved. ANd accepted. She was angry at my father, but loved me and does not see me as dirty and disgusting. She is a close friend. I have another close friend who tells me her therapy stuff, but if I am inclined, I might share a little with her.
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I'm not up to reading other threads right now, and I'm sorry, because I like to a supporter more than a supportEE. Hopefully, this too shall pass
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Im glad you are being the supportee
You always give everyone the most thoughtful responses and give so muchof yourself and your experience to everyone here. Its wonderful to see you getting the support the you need and that you give so freely to everyone here
Hugs and love, my dear friend
This too shall pass.....
