Oh sweety I am so sorry. I am there with you 100% in your questions and pain. I was engaged to a man for 10 years--we had been broken up for about a year--he was the only father my two girls (17 and 15) knew. He committed suicide on November 9th just three miles from our house. The questions, the images, the anger, the pain--it's all there. Why. That's a huge one. I can't answer that for me and obviously not for you, but I can tell you that you need to let it out. I know the "being a rock" part all too well, but we have to mourn, whether anyone sees us or not, and it's ok to let people see you. I try to not let my girls see me cry now, a month later, but sometimes I can't help it. You cannot keep these feelings and emotions and questions bottled up. Sweety, you will never know why, never know the pain she must have had inside. My girls constantly ask me, "why didn't he think of us?"...my only answer to them is that I'm sure he did think of them and thought that he didn't want to hurt them by, in his view, continueing to mess up and let them down. Maybe she didn't want her kids to see her hurting as much as she was, maybe she was afraid, maybe maybe maybe forever with no answers. The only answer I have to the why question is to escape the pain. There must have been some huge pain. Please know that you can message me anytime you want to let it out. Let it out here on the boards or message me. I am so sorry for the feelings you are going through right now.