Thank you June ..you must be peeking into my home as well as my heart the first couple years the house was totally let go I seem to buy things I didn't need ...just because even though I was broke(still am) maybe because he took not only my heart,money but he no longer was there either to "control me" maybe in a subconscious way I just cluttered up my house because my "inside house" was so scattered and shattered ,I never slept,my son battling cancer the same year as the first he was gone my younger 2 luckily had each other got each other to school,ate together,did shopping while I was physically here in my room I often thought they would have been better off if I just left.My Psych.told me it would be worse that even though emotionally I was unable to be here for them they still knew I was here in the house and to believe that was meaningful.
I still don't sleep well at all ....M youngest graduated this past May so he made it along with his brother the year before through all pain and vacancy and seeing me in pain from still loving their stepdad who of course they have choice words for..
I look around me now at all the "stuff"and now overwhelmed how did this happen and now say even if he said I made a mistake I love you lets try again I am to scared to even let him see how bad I let things get while he was gone he would be mortified...as I am with myself ...I don't know where to start and can't even think as people say baby steps or one corner of a room at a time .....
Like you I did for a time pick up something that made me feel free and good my camera and even published a book at my lowest point and titled it When Life Feels Hopeless Take a Minute and Look Around....because I can see something outside everyday that can bring a little warmth to anyone s day if they take that minute and look.A bautiful Sunset etc...but I find I am back in my funk badly once again the past few months ..could be the time of year he left me 3 days after Christmas ..