thanks bebop and everyone for the advice, when i made the first post i hadn't done much about all this but now i've read all about this stuff, and i've talked to my shrink, asperger therapist, and soon i'll have this conversation with my ex, although he already knows all about it, i couldn't think of a better person to ask. we hadn't talked in probably a year but as of yesterday we got back in touch, talk about perfect timing =P. i think the act of talking about it has taken a lot of the sting out, i was so embarrassed to ask for help that it just fermented in the back of my brain and kept growing as time went by. i'm starting to think maybe i can kill this anxiety, not just wound or ignore it so that it ends up coming back later. i think i just have to be more open about my sexuality, express myself more, talk about my desires more, and maybe i can kill the anxiety as i become comfortable acting on those desires. seems it wasn't the other guy causing me so much trouble, it was me. thanks again guys and gals. =)