(((BlueMoon)))
I love how you handled bath time!
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It might be fear, but Im not connecting my anger to that yet. I did feel that I had no control as a child and I lived in an out of control environment. I had no control over the situation between my parents and being used as a pawn on against the other. Yes-it resurfaces when I feel out of control here in the house. And I get really triggered/angry. Maybe its fear.
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I, personally, see anger as a distinct emotion. Often times when we lash out it can be because we are afraid, but there is something more than just fear involved. Using your example from childhood above, let my try to explain...
You were angry as a child because your parents were using you as a pawn. This is not fear, this is the being inside of you saying 'hey, I'm good enough, and I deserve to be treated better'. Anger provides motivation to act. As a kid, maybe that meant packing your bags and trying to run away. As an adult, if you ever feel like what *you* need isn't being valued (like when you were a kid), you will probably feel that anger again.
IMHO, the main difference between fear and anger is the motivation to make change. Fear pulls me inward, and anger gives me energy to act outwardly.
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Im thinking how I soothe my children when they are angry or my 2yo has a tantrum. I sit by her, I lie down by her, I let her know Im there, sometmes she is soothed right away and sometimes she has to let the storm die down a bit before she accepts my hug. Maybe as an adult I just need someone to feel with me, to be there with me, not just witness. My 2 yo can tell if Im just sitting with her or feeling with her.
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You *are* telling your kids that they are good enough and that you value how they feel by just being there. You give them the chance to express how they feel, and then tell them you still love them. That is honoring who they are, and it is more than just saying 'there is no need to be afraid.'
I'm so glad my words helped, BlueMoon. I know my approach to anger is different than many, but it has been very useful for me to honor my anger, and not just put it off as a secondary emotion.
