Bear with me....

I know that there are few answers. And what few there are, I'm aware of.
Didn't know whether I should have placed this in depression or here, as it relates to both, I suppose. But because of the fact that alot of what I am feeling at this moment (I think) is because of relationship, thought maybe it's more appropriate here.

This is mostly based on just releasing pressure, I suppose...Gawd, I hope this provides that, as it is compounding at a steady rate only heading to something unfavorable, maybe. Hell, I don't know anymore.

Because of the complexity of my relationship, there are few, if any who can provide much supportive relief, which I understand, as there aren't many, if any, who are struggling with the extreme demands of distant relationships.
If I have one thing that I could advise anyone who is considering engaging into a distant relationship...that would be DON'T. Not unless you have the capability to support it by attending to the physical on a regular basis. And to keep it within your home country...Gawd, how that would simplify..... EVERYTHING.

For those who are familiar to my situation, you know of the extremes of our struggles, and for how long we both have been enduring them.
They say, "Love conquers all". I say, "For how long?"

I've already received my share of slander and ridicule because of our age difference. That's perfectly fine. I can deal with that. What other's think is of no influence to ours. So, anymore received is only natural. I can so easily deal with that, in fact the slander & ridicule is the easy part of all this....lol.

What is the hard part, though, is how everything seems to have been working against us...from the beginning, or so it seems.
The strength in our love has carried us quite far. Has gotten us through many traumatic encounters that, for most, would have succumbed to already.
Despite our efforts, though, we seem to have reached a barrier that very well may be our demise....and that is so painful....can't explain the inner turmoil that I'm struggling with. Very difficult, to say the least.

Yeah, I know. "Well, you've reached the end, time to let go". Hmmm.
Thing is....how the hell do I know it IS the end, if we haven't even had a real beginning....yet.
I've had more than my share of experiences, relationships, encounters, adventures...blah blah....lived long enough to be able to know the difference of when finding something "real" to identify with it, and for me, Kristian is REAL.
What he is for me casts such shadow on everything and everyone I've ever encountered previously, that I cannot ignore it. Yet, just my luck, he is unaccessible.
We've already attempted to locate him over here in the states for his visa stay. Failed. Our government took that away as though we were committing a crime. And saw to it that his visitation to the US was permanently revoked. So, his coming here to visit is now never possible. Next step, my visit to him, which I am presently in the process of constructing.
Money is what is required....and lots of it, which means time to obtain what is necessary to finance. Okay, doing just that.

Meanwhile, we are doing our best to nurture, seek....something, to keep what we have left going. We have already over exceeded what little we do have left to the point that we have desperately created avenues to "feed" what is left. Works for a few days, but soon to face the reality that we have little, if nothing left....and delivers us back to where we are at this very moment.

I'm tired. Emotionally shot to the point that I simply can't carry anymore....yet, I continue to be there for him, although now just an emotionless shell. I truly feel that because of his youth (well, much younger than mine, anyway...lol), he has the physical ability to maintain, while I'm literally exhausted. By no means am I saying that "because he's the junior, it's his responsibility to carry us because I'm just too old to". Hell no! It's both our responsibility to support this. I'm only saying that because of the fact that I am older, I tire more easily. And the unfortunate reality is that I simply do not have the physical endurance that he does have.

I have consciously entered this relationship fully aware of the HIGH price, and had suspected the consequences regarding this distance involvement, (age was seldom the concern, although it does have its price, as well), for the most part. However, I had no idea how exhausting this would deliver me in the long run.
We are entering our 4th year....without meeting, to date. Sure, we have more than just texting. Skype EVERY day, almost all day. Cammie running constantly, regardless of what either of us are doing. We're both SICK of the computer, but it's all we have to link us, other than our phone calls....I so love my phone plan, (9 cents to Europe), saves thousands.

I dunno. Yet, we hang on. But, to what?
I've tried talking reason to Kristian. I've tried letting us go. Sometimes, I honestly feel that maybe this just isn't meant to be due to all these endless obstacles and seemingly impossible barriers that continue to present themselves. Despite that we've both decided a few times now, TO let it go....Our love for each other pulls us right back together...again. Time after time, after time.

It isn't that I'm so desperate that I HAVE to hang on....as though I cannot find someone else..LOL. Not the case. I've been approached by various men, offering their proposals. NOT interested. It's hard to have discovered the only one I've truly fallen IN love with and to settle for less....especially knowing that I haven't even met Kristian....yet.
TO allow our passing without giving us at least the opportunity to meet will haunt me for my remainder years, (which aren't all that many).
I'm entitled to be happy, too....but at what cost? Kristian feels the same way as I do.
Yet, I can't help but to wonder...to strive to unite our love..is it really worth the anguish of dealing with the possibility OF eventually letting go?

My depression, (I think it's what it is, anyway), isn't exactly working in our favor, either.

I'd tell all this to Krisitian, but...been there, done that, and words just don't do it anymore for us....you know? Which I perfectly understand.
I feel so bad for him because I've grown so tired, thus resulting quite numb, and I've lost my ability to carry him emotionally. He reaches out to me, yet I fail him every time. I don't know how to be responsive anymore. That is SO not me. I listen fine, but when he needs my support...something to provide him comfort....I'm left with blank emotion. (I think my depression may cause that, though not sure).
Anymore, I can only offer him suggestions to be patient. I try to reinforce to him that I'm not like this in person. That I DO and CAN attend without distraction or the emotionless responses. I don't know how much longer he can tolerate my disassociation from the effects of all of this. I'm transforming him into an angry person...I don't mean to.....Sigh.

Thanks for listening. Just letting it out helps, some. All's good.....Yeah, all is good....

Shangrala