Thanks, Spotted Owl- I wish I could have gone right to the compassionate response to her instead of allowing myself to act on the (childhood) anger I felt. I am thinking it will be better with practice. SHe did then take a bath later, its as if on some level, even though she is 5, she appreciates being respected for not wanting to take a bath at that moment as opposed to being forced.

I think you are right! I did not consciously realize it, but I had enough respect for myself to know I didnt want/shouldnt be treated that way. There is a spark of self-love and self-preservation in the anger.

I am still wondering whether the anger is anger itself, or a safer emotion (as the examples with our spouses) than fear or hurt. FOr sure, I do anger easier than hurt or fear when in the situation, but, I wonder if anger itself is not just the primary emotion sometimes.

It is very interesting that you personify your emotions. I lke the angry, strong woman. I can lose my temper in the same way as you, with my kids or with H. When I am triggered suddenly it is VERY difficult for me to not lose it. And I agree with what you said about protecting your self-worth. That is another interpretation that fits. I get angry when my H is tellling me what to do (once too many times). "Hey, Im smart! You dont have to tell me what to do! I KNOW IT ALL!" And when my H tells me "not to feel" that way, it is triggering.

The issue is, what do I do instead when triggered. I can get triggered all day long. WIth my kids, Im trying hard to stay grounded and stay an adult. It is VERY difficult, but today was good. I got impatient once, but not an anger thing.

And, Spotted, I think when my H gets angry and I tell him, "I love you and I think you are an amazing person" that would DEFINITELY diffuse it. He'd look at me like I was nuts.....or up to something.....

Brightheart, it is very brave of you to call your H on his feelings. I often wonder if I should do that with my H. I usually choose not to. Maybe b/c I dont want to start an argument, or because he may be so far from realizing what I amy see as his motivation. AND I could be wrong, anyway.