I haven't been around in a few days. I've just been ... unable to deal, unable to be of any support. All I can do is focus on one thing at a time. Get up, get to class, do my homework, go to bed. I just can't function beyond that right now. I'm not low, more just numb. But it's a good numbness. It's the absence of pain. It's feeling well enough to get through the day, not thinking about anything, just focusing on putting one foot in front of the other and pushing all thought, all feeling aside for now. It's either feel nothing, or feel too much.

I was good with that until my parents called this afternoon, and the walls started to crack. I've been looking into graduate programs lately -- I research schools when I need to relax, when I need to remind myself that I have a great future lined up, when I need to remember why I just need to hang on a little longer -- and I looked at a program very briefly in Edinburgh. I love Edinburgh, it's one of the nicest cities I've ever been to. It's so beautiful, so full of history, and the university's creative writing program looks amazing. So I toyed with the idea of going there, even though in all likelihood I won't. Part of the reason I've been so unwell is that I'm having a hard time living abroad, and I promised myself that next time around if I can't be in my own country I'm going to at least be on my own continent. Driving distance from my hometown, if possible. But I mentioned Edinburgh to my dad, which in retrospect was a stupid thing to do because he reacted just the way he always does: he goes into enthusiasm overdrive.

I love my dad. We've had our issues but they stem mostly from misunderstandings, and today our relationship is better than it's ever been. He's behind me 100% in getting my MFA in creative writing (even though I know he doesn't understand it) and he's been very understanding about my depression even though emotional/psychological issues are not his cup of tea. He loves my siblings and I more than anything and no matter what happens between us I've never felt anything less than adored. But when he latches onto an idea he can go too far. He called me today to spout information about the University of Edinburgh. He knows the population of the city, the age of the university, how many students go there, how the program compares to others like it, he even knows about some of the instructors. He's got connections at universities all over the world and Edinburgh is one of them.

It's just too much. The minute I got that phone call I realized that I'm never going to go to school there. I can't think about these things in realistic terms right now. These are my daydreams, at least for a little while, before the reality of applications sets in. I do enough research to pique my interest, occasionally I make some pro/con lists, I imagine what my life would be like in different cities or learning from different writers, but I don't go farther than that. But my dad deals in absolutes. He does it because he's excited about my life, because he's trying to be involved, because he's trying to make sure I get the best education, but it's TOO MUCH. It's just really hard to get that across to him. I don't operate the same way as my dad. I'm easily overwhelmed. I can't tackle a whole bunch of things at once and I do not respond well to stress.

My mom gets it, to a degree. She sort of referees my dad's enthusiasm where my siblings and I are concerned. We all know he means well but he can be smothering at times. I feel so bad. We were on the phone for an hour and a half and the whole time I was just looking for an excuse to hang up. I only talk to my parents once a week and I haven't seen them since September. But today it was too much. Travel plans home were too much. Talking about grad school was too much. Hearing about the scholarships I could get was too much. I need to cross these bridges when I come to them. I need to think about one thing at a time. I need to write my final essay this semester. I need to study for exams. I need to finish my Christmas shopping. The schools I'm not applying to until this time next year just aren't registering on the radar of Things to Worry About Right Now. If they did, I'd never get out of bed.

I have five days left of classes. I'm going home on Saturday. Today in the background my little brother and sister were arguing and my parents had to keep telling them to be quiet, to settle down. I just wanted to scream. That's what I'm going home to, chaos. I love my family, I miss them and I want to see them, but if I had to get on the airplane right this minute, I wouldn't. It's too much, too much, TOO MUCH.