Hello BNLsMom,
Your post has me recalling a period in the aftermath of my own experience wherein I basically sat in a room in my home for about a year... or more. My family, and especially my husband, did not deal well with that part. Part of the difficulty was that up until then, I'd pretty much had my **** together and one day, it all fell apart. In the process, whatever responsibilities I had been tending were shifted onto my husband's lap, which was already fairly full. In return, he felt incapable, he felt angry, he felt frustrated, he looked to me for help and when none could be found from those quarters, he felt abandoned and alone in his marriage. At that point he became judgmental, retaliatory, unsupportive and withdrew into his own world.

I can see all this more clearly now although I certainly couldn't see as clearly then. The word "divorce" got tossed around more than a few times in those years and then something happened that changed us both -- our child became ill and we were each thrust into a position of mutual empathy. I suddenly better understood the role of the caregiver and he suddenly better understood that my own experience had been real, not just some made-up excuse that allowed me to sit there for a year with a dumbfounded expression on my face.

We've faced some enormous stressors since then and the word "divorce" hasn't come up. We know we need each other and we know our child needs us both. Ironically, we're mending in an environment of breakdown.

Meantime, something I've learned is that just as our intimates can overlook how these kind of experiences can impact us, we can fail to see how they impact those who are closest to us. In a marriage, both parties can be thrown into crisis; they look to the other to bail them out, and then become harsh and judgmental when the other lacks the capacity to do so. The problem is, the relationship is so close you can't help but be affected by the actions of one another.

If you're looking for commiseration and understanding, I suggest you look to your peers -- no one can understand quite like the person who has been there and they can afford to be a little more impartial because, let's face it, they're somewhat removed from the day-to-day reality of the situation. Meantime, if you can, from time to time, put your arms around your husband. He may well be feeling every bit as lost as you and also feeling lonely and abandoned in that feeling. Who else might be able to understand that better than you?