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Blue Krik · 09:47 AM

Sometimes, I think my brain has a glitch. Otherwise, I can't explain why I can't just DO something. It's impossible and I don't even want to think about it anymore. But then...I can't just shut off my brain, though I so long for it. I want peace and I want quiet, for the love of god. Depression is kicking my butt, f'real. I'm so damn ready to give up and just sleep. I could sleep through life, couldn't I? Talk about an easy challenge.

I woke up this morning feeling all energized and smiling, for the millionth time this year. I thought that today was going to be "the day". I would finally go out there and do the things I haven't been doing lately. Like going to school to pick a subject for my graduation thesis. Or finally organizing my stuff and making a schedule to help me study for my eleven finals this semester. Or just catching up with my emails. Anything, anything at all. And I didn't do anything. After an hour, I just went back to bed. My energy just dies and it's no fun anymore. I want to do stuff and then I just don't. It's driving me crazy to the point where I just want to slap myself or slam my head against a wall. Literally. If I knew it would help, I would. What's some pain compared to getting my life on track? Exactly.

I hate December. It's thirty days of 'YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING THIS YEAR EITHER'. Not the joy of holidays, the peace snow used to bring me. Just that constant reminder. It's like having Stewart Little shoved in my ear all the time. I'm so tired. I just sleep all the time. I even forget to eat sometimes, because I can't get out of bed. And when I do get out of bed and get all dressed up to go outside, I panic and stay at home. I'm just letting my life go on without me and that blows. I offer myself excuses for why I shouldn't do things right now, but later. I tell myself it's okay to not talk to people, cause people wouldn't understand. I lie to myself pretending I will be fine someday. But I'm not doing anything towards that and it's painfully obvious. Even to me. I think I'm broken or something. I see that everything I do is wrong, but I can't stop myself. I'm afraid I'll fail miserably. Even though...I'm already failing, so what's a little bit more fail, right? Ugh. The worst part is that I don't even hate myself, maybe that would motivate me to do something, anything. But no. I just pat myself on the back, and promise myself it'll be okay in the end. And then, I think about it some more. Seriously, enough thinking. I'm not a great philosopher or anything, but it seems like I should be, with all the constant thinking. Doing it on and on and on, for hours to no end.

I'm kinda tired of doing that. I just need my brain to shut the hell up. I feel like my life has no purpose or meaning, even though I have this nice image of me in my thirties. I have this cool outfit on, nice designer bag, medium heels and I'm on my way to work in a fast-paced environment, just like I always wanted. And I'm smiling and I have this feeling like I'm on top of the world, even if it's not true. But in my head, I'm pleased with my life. I even like it.
Now. How can I get there? Preferably, without having to kill my brain.

Oh boy. I suck at life. I really do.
/end rant
Apparently, I'm not too tired to rant, hah. I apologize for the complaining post, it's all I seem to do these days.