In my session last Wednesday, T told me that while she sees me as a strong woman, she also thinks of me as being vulnerable and fragile. This really surprised me! I want to ask T more about this in session today. My first thought was that fragile = weak, but then I thought of boxes that are marked 'fragile', which means to handle with care. The idea of T thinking she needs to handle me with care both warms me and worries me a bit. It warms me because I don't feel like many people in my life have handled me with care, and maybe this is because I've always strived to be seen as independent, not needing anyone, and God forbid anyone sees my vulnerable side! But my mother... yelling and hitting me was not handling me with care. So the idea of T thinking of me that way really warms my heart.

It also concerns me a bit, though, because I want T to push me sometimes, and I don't know that she will if she thinks of me as fragile.

I also want to hash out with T tonight that dreaded topic of transference. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of my feelings toward T - maternal transference, not erotic transference, but I still feel like I shouldn't be having these feelings as a grown woman. It's all wrapped up in a big ball of shame, but I know I need to talk about it all with T because I can see how it's affecting my progress. Last week, I was afraid to tell T that I didn't want to talk about a topic she brought up because I wanted to please her, be the good patient, and not show resistance. And then when T told me to talk to her in my angry voice, I couldn't do it, even though I was angry at her over a few things - to me, expressing anger leads to the other person getting hurt, and I don't want to hurt T!

So, we have a lot to discuss tonight, and I'm already nervous!