I felt so close to the feelings and experiences I had as my mother's child in today's session. But, I could feel myself holding back feelings, holding back the sadness and hurt and battling with my 4 and 5 yo and my 8 yo. I could feel the battle yet I was NOT going to feel anything. Its as if I refused. I talked a lot about my feelings, but anything, even anger that was welling up, I could not feel.

I had a strange "flashback" like feeling in the car going to my session. I was suddenly a teenager driving in the snow (there is snow here and its cold) and I felt my heart begin to pound as if I was driving home and feeling dread. Id rather drive or go anyplace else besides to that house. I talked about how I felt living there and my anger toward my mother, which ftt seemed to be appropriate anger and also anger that covered hurt and sadness because it is easier to feel. We talked a lot about my mother's narcissistic behavior and how she acted passive aggressively toward me and provoked me to get a reaction out of me. For her purposes. It enraged me and confused me. And when my children tirgger me, it is what I feel all over again. That someone is trying to get a reaction out of me. We talked about how I usually do respond to them with love, but there are times I cant. My mother was adored by other people/extended family and undermined my relatiionships with them by telling them how badly I treated her. to this day, my extended family believes that I mistreated my mother as a CHILD! Even as a small child! That I was a horror. Tantrums etc. I learned with ftt that I was continuously invalidated as my mother covered herself by telling stories about me.

We talked about how I am handling flashbacks as I drive. And losing time dissociatinig while drving. Its as if my mind is a captive audience for itslef b/c there is no where I can go or nothing I can do but drive, so I have been having flashbacks and then dissociating and not remembering much, bits and pieces. Like my 2 yo talking in the car etc. We spent a lot of time talking about the feelings I had for dt- she really was my mother to me. Ftt told me she had spoken with a colleague about her. She asked what their experience was with her was as she has a client having difficulty with her. This person said dt is a "tough cookie." Which is what my (previous) pdoc called her, too! I feel validated! The issue is that I used so much mental energy trying to get warmth and softness out of someone who is cold and tough and rough. Just like my mother. It is no wonder that I stayed there.Or that I want to go back and get some warmth. We talked specifically about how dt focused so heavily on BPD but not on the trauma that triggered emotional dysregulation etc.

Another thing we talked about is weight and my body. This is the first time in 16 yrs(!) that I am not pregnant and/or nursing a child/baby. I weaned my 2 1/2 yo this past aug to go on lexipro. I treat myself as if my body is only "purposeful" or valuable if I can give it to someone else. This was a big realization for me. That I have a value as me, not as someone who has to do and give to everyone around me.

My assignment is to write a no-send letter to my mother, no censorship, nothing has to be in order, just to get it all out. I see ftt again on thurs at 5, which is a weird time for me. I am a little scared about doing it and she said she wouldnt have given me this assignment if I was seeing her next on monday, but it works out well this week. She did suggest to write it on wed so I dont have to sit with it on tues. But I am having a compulsive moment and think, well, what if I want to add something on tues or wed....OK...Im shaking a little about this assignment......