I felt so close to the feelings and experiences I had as my mother's child in today's session. But, I could feel myself holding back feelings, holding back the sadness and hurt and battling with my 4 and 5 yo and my 8 yo. I could feel the battle yet I was NOT going to feel anything. Its as if I refused. I talked a lot about my feelings, but anything, even anger that was welling up, I could not feel.
That's okay, Blue - if you first need to talk about it and hold those feelings back, they will eventually come to the surface. It sounds like they're already close to the surface, and I know that can feel very scary.

We talked a lot about my mother's narcissistic behavior and how she acted passive aggressively toward me and provoked me to get a reaction out of me. For her purposes. It enraged me and confused me... I learned with ftt that I was continuously invalidated as my mother covered herself by telling stories about me.
That sounds horrible. I can relate to some of it, though my mother's narcissistic behavior scared and saddened me, I didn't let myself feel angry towards her. It's good that you did! And I hear you on being continuously invalidated! My mother did the opposite - told me horrible things about my relatives (some truths, some exaggerations, some lies) so I would hate them and love her more.

We talked about how I am handling flashbacks as I drive. And losing time dissociatinig while drving.
Be careful, Blue!

We spent a lot of time talking about the feelings I had for dt- she really was my mother to me. Ftt told me she had spoken with a colleague about her. She asked what their experience was with her was as she has a client having difficulty with her. This person said dt is a "tough cookie." Which is what my (previous) pdoc called her, too! I feel validated!
That's so great that you feel validated, as you should!!

Another thing we talked about is weight and my body. This is the first time in 16 yrs(!) that I am not pregnant and/or nursing a child/baby. I weaned my 2 1/2 yo this past aug to go on lexipro. I treat myself as if my body is only "purposeful" or valuable if I can give it to someone else. This was a big realization for me. That I have a value as me, not as someone who has to do and give to everyone around me.
Awesome insight, Blue!

My assignment is to write a no-send letter to my mother, no censorship, nothing has to be in order, just to get it all out. I see ftt again on thurs at 5, which is a weird time for me. I am a little scared about doing it and she said she wouldnt have given me this assignment if I was seeing her next on monday, but it works out well this week. She did suggest to write it on wed so I dont have to sit with it on tues. But I am having a compulsive moment and think, well, what if I want to add something on tues or wed....OK...Im shaking a little about this assignment......