I am really wondering if it is time for me to take a break from therapy.

I have made a LOT of positive changes in my life since starting therapy. A lot. I've let myself connect more with my Self, and with my family, and with my friends, and my higher power, and the world around me. I've given up a whole laundry list of bad coping skills. I'm learning to sit with my feelings, even when they just suck. I'm more open and honest with me and with the people around me. I am way, way, way more present than I used to be. I'm still making changes, and my life is starting to look more like I always hoped it would.

I also know that I tend to fall apart a little bit without therapy, and slide backwards. In some ways, I think therapy makes me safe enough to do all of the stuff I'm doing.

AND I hate therapy. I love T so much, and I hate how much I love him. AND I am getting the sense that there is some kind of countertransference going on...and I don't even know how to read it. Maybe T loves me so much that he's pulling back and screwing up. Or maybe T is soooooo sick of me that he's pulling back and screwing up. Or MAYBE T's life is crazy and he's just screwing up with EVERYONE and it has nothing to do with me.

But the thing is, unfortunately, a lot of my peace has to do with my relationship with T. And when that gets screwed up, so does my peace. Obviously, I want to grow past that point, but that's where I'm at right NOW.

AND we tend to have ruptures when we get to the hard stuff. We are at the hard stuff again. Maybe it's just that. Maybe I get too needy and T pushes me away and and we rupture. Or maybe T is just himself and I freak out about nothing and there is a rupture. Sometimes I think both T AND I don't want to "go there" with the little kid CSA stuff, and we BOTH do our part to send us into rupture and avoid the topic.

I know the thing to do is to talk to T about all of this. And I will. Tomorrow, at 4, when I have my appt.

See, this is the screwy thing. I know I will OBSESS about this until tomorrow at 4 (or until I hear from T, whichever comes first) and that is SO not being present in my life. AND THAT IS WHY I HATE THERAPY!

Thoughts? Anyone?!