Hello candragabel,

I know a lot about what you are talking about. I was "raised" by two alcoholic parents. We had one of those typical mother, father, kids, dog, midwestern, two-car garage picket fence households with an elephant sitting in the livingroom that everyone walked around and didn't speak about. That's a popular euphemism for the problem of alcoholism destroying a family from within but no one talking about it.

I felt like a liability. I felt like I was in the way and an obligation. The only time I was worth anything was when my drunk parents brought their drunk friends over and had me sing and play guitar to entertain them. It was the only time I felt I could do anything they liked. Otherwise, I was valueless. I left home never wanting to have children of my own because I saw children as a liability that only get in the way of living one's life.

There were a lot of extra stuff that came along with the alcohol but as far as dealing with it, Al-Anon is a good place to start. This is only my opinion, and I won't disagree that forgiving is really important to YOUR mental health. But so is getting really angry first. And getting really indignantly angry first, about how your life was screwed up by the people who were supposed to take care of you and see to it that you grew and matured into a healthy adult. If you have done that already, good. And yes, you have the right to keep those feelings if you want. But it is going to be hard to have some kind of relationship with your parents "without letting my feelings get in the way." I honestly don't think that you will be able to have both.

One can follow the other. I did end up being able to renew a relationship with my mother. It took a while. But I had to get rid of the resentment and everything else. And I did it with the help of the twelve steps.