Session update - it started out great, T said how much she liked my baked goods. She asked questions about two of the kinds I made, and she told me her kids ate the brownies and liked them.

So I asked T why she thinks I'm fragile. T said she does think that she needs to handle me with care, but it's more because she thinks I'm delicate within our relationship, that she can see how I can get hurt very easily and how I have been hurt by her screw-ups (only she used the F word). We talked some about how we've resolved those misunderstandings. I told T that I don't want to express anger toward her because I'm afraid of hurting her - T thinks I'm wanting to protect our relationship because I'm afraid how she'll react to my anger, it's a big scary unknown to me. Right again, T! Later, I told T that it's so important to me that I feel safe in there with her, and that I'm afraid that feeling will go away if I get angry at her - T said I'm in a dilemma then, that at some point I'll have to take a risk and let out those feelings to her and see what her reaction is. I told T that I'm really feeling like I need to be reassured a lot these days, that she's not going anywhere - T said she'll be right there.

I did tell T that it meant a lot that she maybe wanted to take care of me, and then she repeated those words back to me, that she is taking care of me.

So I told T about the transference feelings - she didn't want me to use that word, she asked me what I meant when I said "transference" - not that she didn't know what it meant, but she wanted to know what it meant to me. I told her how I was so ashamed of these feelings, she wanted to know why - I said as a grown woman, I shouldn't have this need to be mothered like this, and that I know our relationship is limited. I told T that these feelings are so strong and so confusing. T said I've been carrying around these feelings my entire life, this love and longing for someone to mother me, so of course the feelings are intense. She was asking all sorts of questions, and I was so tongue-tied tonight, but we did make some progress - at one point, I realized that I was afraid to tell T because I thought her reaction might be to put limitations on our relationship, she said absolutely not. She then asked me how I thought she'd react, and the first word that popped into my head was "disgusted". I told T that, she was so surprised, but then I said that maybe she's had other patients who have told her this, and she's thinking that oh great, just one more patient she has to deal with having these feelings now. T looked me in the eye and said, "There's the shame." She was right! I told T how I feel like I'm being too emotional in there lately, T said not at all, that it's also old stuff, shame, coming up for me to feel that way. I asked T if she was okay with me having these feelings, she assured me that she was. T told me that it's important for me to allow these feelings, and any other feelings I have, to come up and bring them to her - she said it takes a lot of courage, but it's so important.

I left feeling worried that I hadn't expressed myself well enough. But I know I need to let that go and do what T said, just let my feelings come up and bring them in to her on Wednesday, and trust that no matter what, T will be there for me. Easier said than done!