I put the trigger warning on, just in case

My session today was so hard. Just continuing with the trauma work. I had a ton of anxiety going in, I have been up since 2 this morning just worrying about this session, what was going to come out, whether I would be able to talk or if the words would get stuck in my throat again, all of that.

Despite all of that, I feel like in some ways I was able to make a breakthrough today. I had to really really FIGHT to stay in the room at times, and I was shaking so hard I felt like I was going to start levitating off the couch, but I did it. I stayed present, and I spoke.

T asked me to tell her a part, any part, of any of the flashbacks I've been having. And I was able to do that, to tell her how I felt so terrified & alone & afraid I would die. And then I went a little deeper, told her that I wished, in that moment, that I HAD died. That I was so scared he would come back, or someone else would come & hurt me, and I didn't know what to do, and I was so hurt & cold & scared & I just wanted to die.

Then we talked about the body memories, which was also very, very difficult, but I did it. And then T said, ok, that's enough tough stuff for today, and I said I just want to tell you...and I told her some details of the attack, some specific things that I can't even type here because I don't want to trigger anyone. Just things I have never told anyone, ever. EVER.

I couldn't look at T, I don't know her reaction. I know she sort of froze, didn't move for about a minute. Ok, it FELT like a minute. But I couldn't look at her. There is so much shame there.

Still, I feel like somehow I broke through some invisible barrier, telling T that, volunteering that, not having her have to drag it out of me, you know? I feel triggered as hell and ashamed and embarrassed and everything now but I also feel some small sense of relief. Finally, finally, someone else is holding a little tiny part of the burden along with me.

And after I told T? I had this urge to call my best friend and tell HER (but didn't, not sure if it would be upsetting to my BFF). It's like some sort of dam was broken or something...