Actually, it seems like a bad forever with today just being particularly fresh on my mind. I am so sad and feel small and so completely alone. I wish I could curl up and have somebody hold me. But even though I feel little, I'm not really and there's no one who would hold me even if I were.

And I'm angry. Angry that I won't do anything to myself because I know it would hurt the people I love. Isn't it ironic though that many of them are the very people who hurt me? I wonder why I care about hurting them? It sort of seems to me that they'd deserve it.

And I'm even angrier that some accident doesn't befall me. That way no one would have the pain of my harming myself. I think a lot about how I could create one - be risky in my car, cut it a little too close in front of an 18-wheeler. But that could hurt innocent people and I don't want that.

What I need is an accident where no one but me is hurt. I pray desperately for it over and over again. If there is a god, he must not care.

I don't understand why we are put here not of our own choosing and then, in many ways, forced to stay.