to add to this discussion, i do appreciate one of the moderators reaching out and explaining the growing pains this site is experiencing right now.... that was kind and generous of spirit that they are trying to set a frame of reference for all of this.

intellectually i have no problem understanding. i'm astute enough to grasp certain things.

emotionally it is a whole other ballgame with me....my lifelong history of abuse and being abused is so complicated. just who do I trust? just who can I trust? and in the past, when i have turned to the mental health community for help, I was deceived, lied to, stolen from and virtually ignored, by a whole network of people who are supposed to "do no harm" in a professional setting, a hospital for gawd's sake, where you would think there would be SOMEONE on the ball, aware and able to listen, see the facts, see the reality....i was accused of being suicidal, which I wasn't and never would be after seeing my father try and fail 3 times to kill himself, couple that with being well groomed (hello, don't know about any of you severely depressed people, but at my worst? I don't bathe, I don't...not for weeks, I have even gone months, there isn't an iota of personal hygiene anywhere in my existence), couple that with having a second interview (after months of unemployment, would you be inclined to kill yourself when you were on the brink of perhaps getting a job?)...nothing about my personal circumstances indicated I was a totally hopeless person intent on doing myself harm.....yet not one rational person would listen to me...and this is the mental health system I want help from? I think not. I have assiduously avoided all mental help since..... because I fear, so fear in the depths of my soul, people taking control of me and having no control at all over myself.....and that ain't good, because I do need help....

but to come to this website and again have someone make a decision about me, take out a huge huge passage of my posting..... take control of me......this has been almost traumatic.

i have slid downwards since, tried fighting it, but the old thinking patterns took over....

don't know who can be trusted here anymore...except this one person who has reached out, yes, this person i think can be trusted and has cared to reach out. that is encouraging....

losses are huge for us.... we live our lives under imminent threat of losing everything. our loved ones who can't understand us....yes, this has happened to me, lost everyone, because I am "mentally ill"..... loss of our self respect and self esteem, which so many of us have so little of to begin with, mentally ill people are butts of jokes, laughing stocks, seen as broken, unable to achieve, unable to contribute...we are just "whack jobs" the normal folks deride and look down on, we could lose our jobs we have fought to attain, should anyone know or find out.... how many times has someone's mental health history been used against them, from the highest of echelons and seats of power to the lowest skid row bum???? I seem to remember a vice presidential candidate who was destroyed over this, I remember other national politicians whose careers got derailed because their wife had sought therapy....I have seen actors who had great careers lose all credibility once it was known they had struggled with mental health issues. Now it is almost ALMOST acceptable to admit to depression..... many famous people have come forward and written of their struggles ...Mike Wallace, Carrie Fisher, **** Cavett, Brooke Shields and yes, today, people know Winston Churchill was severely hampered by depression and think even our greatest president ever, Abraham Lincoln, struggled with this. Yes, depression is just about as acceptable a mental illness that you can have.... but the other issues? OCD, Neurosis, Schizophrenia, Personality Disorders....we can't discuss it, let it be known.....we hide in plain sight, we try to remain silent, are trained to remain silent....

and we come here to speak the truth. our truth. our reality that is very often strangling us, torturing us in ways the normal cannot know..... and even here they want us to be silent and not protest certain things.

I don't know this person who left who has left such a huge void, I never knew her and am only hearing rumour and innuendo....and have heard from others who are as concerned as I about some issues here.....

but whether this person left for reasons that were to do with this site or not, i am here to say i too am struggling to stay here now, for reasons to do with this site. i do not want to be critical or say anything against anyone personally or anything against this site. We who are sick NEED to be here....we are desperate people, often alone, in great pain, in great turmoil with no where else to turn.... NO WHERE. i want to stay. i want to get help. but will i have to pay a very high personal price, forsake a deeply held personal conviction in order to remain here? I was a member of a 12 step group for years to learn how to live with an active alcoholic in my life, and it was always stressed.... PRINCIPLES above PERSONALITIES..... and that 12 step program had not only 12 steps, but 12 traditions and 12 concepts that the very serious of us would study and discuss weekly.....

I need to stay here. I do. But at what cost of a deeply held personal conviction? People have died for their principles, people have been tortured, oppressed and burned alive for sticking to their moral and ethical beliefs. At what point do I know how deeply it might harm me to stay.... at what point do I know how deeply it may harm me if I go? This is the fear.