this is going to be a long post.

But I'm confused by something.

This past year or two has been quite confusing for me sexually. Up until then I thought I was just satisfied by being with guys, but then I got into a relationship and things changed.

I think I am straight for the most part but there is a part of me that has the potential to like a girl.

Let me explain...

I was friends with a girl for a long time, best friends. I looked up to her (she was a bit older) admired her and generally hung out with her quite a bit. My first love had recently died and I was broken up about it...and making friends with her sort of healed my grief. She had a problem with alcoholism...and I cared/worried about her a lot. Worried that she would relapse.

I remember confiding in her that I liked a guy. And soon thereafter, she sort of *ahem* made a move on me. I was sort of taken-aback, but I didnt say anything. I dissociated...and yet I loved the idea of her kissing my cheek and cuddling with me. I've never dissociated before during a sex act and I remember thinking that I didnt want to do it beforehand. But I didnt want to humiliate/embarass her by saying no. So I went along with it, dissociated and freaked out afterwards because I didnt understand why i dissociated. After the first time I dissociated...I never experienced it again. The girl and I began to have a full-on relationship. And I loved her, very much. I do not dispute that I loved her. I did and I'll defend that I loved her til the death of me.

A few months later, I decided to do some background on this girl I had been talking to online for such a long time. She had refused to give me any real-life information and I felt that I had waited long enough to gain her trust. I felt I needed to to get peace of mind because it felt very suspicious. So I went ahead and did a background check. And to my utter-shock/horror I figured out that I had been speaking to a guy and not a girl.

It was a mind ****. I felt betrayed & used. I felt hatred, i felt un-godly pain. I looked at the girl I once loved and her face slowly shattered in my mind/heart...into the face of a much older man. It hurt...so much. I was angry for a long-long time. After a lot of persistence, they admitted they were who I thought they were.

And a little while after that, something else broke in me. I went mad for two days....all my sexual-feelings for guys rushing back. (I had been repressing them because of some horrible things guys had said to me a few months back)

And there was this little voice in the back of my mind saying "i'm glad this person turned out to be a guy instead." as though perhaps if I had continued with the relationship with this girl, I someday...wouldve regained my feelings for men anyway creating a huge mess.

After the relationship. I noticed that my sexual preferences were whatever reminded me of this person. Guys who had a witty sense of humor, older guys, blonde women and I began to feel like I had loved the person INSIDE rather than any gender that they had

So now....finally.... I feel as though I can move on. That my sexual fantasies arent driven anymore by the things that remind me of this person. In fact, I dont really have satisfying sexual fantasies anymore. I've noticed that I've begun to drift back to checking out girls.

There is still a part of me that says "ew" and a voice that says "youre straight, I dont think you can maintain a relationship with a girl emotionally."

My biggest fear is getting into a relationship with a girl and years later waking up to realize that I cant emotionally continue it and that I'm repressing who I really am. But at the same I cant deny that I DID fall in love with what I thought was a girl.

Deep down I want to say that I mostly like guys but the fact that I fell in love with a girl causes me massive confusion and leaves me wondering what would've happened had the relationship continued.