I don't want to be this way anymore. This makes me sad. I want to make and keep friends, have a love life, etc.

First of all I really like your name - it's funny. It also appears you're very honest about yourself. I don't want to go against what the other poster have said about accepting yourself because I think we should all accept the way we are. But the above quote tells me that you recognize these to be problematic areas in your life, that you want to improve upon. Improving on these areas doesn't mean you're abandoning your true self. We can all benefit from some social fine tuning.

The first change I would recommend is lay back on the alcohol since it makes things worse. Have you ever been screened for ADHD. It' seems like most of your problem is based on you being too impulsive and not thinking before you talk or act. I also recommend watching people you admire and trying to adopt some of their ways. Do you feel nervous in social situations? Try being a good listener because people like feeling that someone's interested in them.

Take an honest look at yourself in the mirror and see if there are ways to improve your outward appearance - grooming. It would even be a good idea to have someone video tape you when you're talkng, to see your facial expressions and mannnerisms,then watch the tape. I find today, basic manners are really getting lost and most women love a respectful guy. Instead of being rude when you're unhappy you can learn how to be constructively assertive. Ask someone who does like you - to give you some honest constructive criticism as to how you could improve yourself. Best of luck.