I seriously spent the past few days unraveling, and it all came to a head this morning. I still feel really shaky. I actually got to the point where sui seemed like a real option. Luckily (?) I am able to step outside of myself enough to see that it's really not.

I've been taking SAM-E, thinking it would help my back pain (that is one of it's uses) and maybe give me a mood boost. I guess I've been taking it for 3 or 4 weeks. I've read that it can send some people into a kind of mania, and I wonder if that's what's happening to me. Not sleeping, not tired, hyper, RACING, OBSESSIVE THOUGHTS, irritable, kind of confused. Not me. I don't know what mania actually *is* but anyhow, the SAM-E does seem to have done a number on me.

So, after totally losing it this morning, I took a klonopin and I'm sitting here waiting for it to be 4.

I am going to take a list of DBT goals with me to T. Actually, I guess I am seeing it as more of a "here's where we are" rather than goals. Something T and I can look at, say "oh, we're right here" and it will help us to know what to work on.

"DBT targets behaviors in the following hierarchy:
- decreasing high-risk suicidal behaviors
- decreasing responses or behaviors (either by therapist or patient) that interfere with therapy
- decreasing behaviors that interfere with/reduce quality of life
- decreasing and dealing with post-traumatic stress responses
-enhancing respect for self
- acquisition of the behavioral stills taught in group (for me, that would be mindfulness, meditation, etc. I think)
- additional goals set by patient (for me, that would be increasing community with others)"

I can clearly see how we've made it in therapy all the way to the last two things on occasion recently, and how in the past few days, I'm all the way back down to the first two things. Maybe it will give us kind of a road map.

I REALLY JUST WANT TO FEEL BETTER. Maybe I need to stop working so ****ing hard and just go lay on T's couch and cry today.

Ack.