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Elysium · Dec 15, 2009, 04:14 PM

I haven't been able to stop thinking about my old T for some time now. In fact...she is always somewhere in my mind.

We terminated a couple months ago so I could begin working with my DID T. We love our new T. She is very good with us and cares a lot. We wouldn't give her up for nothing.

But...we are missing our old T...and our younger parts are having a difficult time understanding why we can't see her anymore. To be honest...so are our older parts.

We miss her so much!! She was the first person who listened to us, she was the first person who believed us, she was the first person who heard us. For five years she cared for me in the best way she could...by being my T.

I don't understand why.....why I finally get a person who is good for me in my life. Who treats me well, respects me, who legitimately cares about me...for some reason. Why am I forced to let her go?

All I want is someone positive in my life. I am trying to surround myself with people who are positive and caring and healthy...and yeah I have my new T, and she's great.

But...I long to feel like a part of someone's life. I long to know that they want me in theirs. Even if it's just a relationship with a mentor.

It hurts.....

All I am left with is a huge family that is not safe for me...and a couple of friends who are not really even my friends.

Why do I have to give up the most important person to me in my life?

MY old T, and new T, have told me that I am valued...which I don't yet believe, that I am worthy...which I don't yet believe....and that I am not expendable....which I sure as hell don't believe. These are positive messages for me and I know I need to hear them a lot.

I just want a family that actually cares about me in a healthy way!!! What's wrong with that? And why can't I have it?

I need emotional intimacy (non-sexual) and I need good safe people. Professional boundaries are keeping me from being able to have this. I understand why those boundaries need to be there for my current T's and my relationship. But I don't understand why, now that I'm not a client of old T's, why we can't have more of a mentor type relationship and she could still be a part of my life. The doesn't mean I'd be involved in her family or anything....just someone that she kind of takes under her wing, to be a positive person in their lives. A light in all the dark!!

I don't get it!! Why....Why do people always leave? Everyone leaves me...but only the bad ones keep coming back. Why can't the good ones come back so I could be left with something...instead of left with nothing.