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jammerlich said:
And I'm even angrier that some accident doesn't befall me. That way no one would have the pain of my harming myself. I think a lot about how I could create one - be risky in my car, cut it a little too close in front of an 18-wheeler. But that could hurt innocent people and I don't want that.

What I need is an accident where no one but me is hurt. I pray desperately for it over and over again. If there is a god, he must not care.

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I think this is called "suicidal ideation" and is actually a pretty serious symptom that should be brought to your therapist/doc's attention ASAP.

As far as "no one but me is hurt" goes, that is impossible. I had a sister and close friend suicide and unless you live on a desert island you WILL cause endless years of pain to others.