My Support Forums - View Single Post - Another sleepless night...........................

darkpurplesecrets · Dec 16, 2009, 03:42 AM

Another sleepless night and more endless thoughts, as I sit here before this screen, within the heaviness filling my heart and tears just beyond the eyes that no one can see. But can those thoughts be brought down to bring them out? Maybe the nightmares won’t let us sleep. Or maybe it is the people tapping into each one within and taking the feelings that run deep within to new heights of terror. When people look at me they cannot see all within. There is so much more than meets the eyes. And those that know do not have any idea what is trapped within the walls that surround the selves.

It is hard to allow others within even though you are screaming the very words in silence. And they only echo back re-enforcing the fear that is grasping hold throughout. Sometimes you wish someone could look within and just hear, but if they could would they ever come back? Sometimes we put up walls not to keep others out but to see if anyone cares enough to tear them down. Most walls we put up are not to keep others out….but to keep others safe.

So many within terrified. It feels like impending doom, and some afraid they will hurt others. That they are poison and to be touched would be an end to those touched. And the sense of the end only gets stronger if anyone knows. Reaching out is getting harder, those within shying away in one sense yet needing so much to be re-assured. And somewhere I find myself losing so much time. One minute it’s light, I am laughing, the next it is dark and my head is hurting and somewhere between the light and darkness someone else appeared.

At times seeing a reflection in the mirror I do not know, that retracts back as fast as it came. Thoughts come and go that I do not understand. Having thoughts of a childhood flash in and out with the sound of little black patton shoes tapping along the floor. A childhood that missed a little girl whose dreams had no boundaries, who could not believe in a world where everything was possible, who’s heart was shattered and full of fear.

Sometimes it feels as though I am nothing more than a little girl somewhere within who cries out for attention yet always trying to hide within. Tearless tears fall yet within, it is like rain where no one can see. Without seeming so strong and no one knows of what goes on within. But within a storm raging out of control, thunder bangs in such loud anger, and the lightening blinding even one’s self to what rages within. For tears are dangerous yet a sign that everything is not okay in a seemingly perfect world. But without no one knows, no one sees, except this perfect world that really does not exist, but no one can know.

Where did life go? Why is it so hard to just let go? Why is it we have to hold up a mask and pretend we are so strong? For you can close your eyes to things you don’t want to see, but you cannot close your heart on things you don’t want to feel. Knowing without maybe I am a lonely person who is in the middle of something she doesn’t really understand. Strength only lasts for so long before the pain and hurt seeps to the outside. But even the strong fall sometimes. Someday I will love myself but just not now. For I feel I am everything that is wrong screaming out from within.

The other day I cried for the first time in a long time. Felt as though I could not stop the pain from seeping out. Still today I feel the pain seeping everywhere. I hear someday the pain will ease and I will be able to go on, but I don’t think this pain will ease. Although I have told the secret, I haven’t told all. And what we have not released still holds us captive. And though the pain seeps slowly out the pressure is building. A burst through is inevitable though we keep sand bagging the leaks trying to hold back the wall from breaking. How can we allow anyone to see the weakened wall? Maybe we need stronger sand bags, maybe we need to be stronger ourselves, maybe we need to just shut down and quiet all.

Hurt everywhere inside and out. Memories flooding feeling as though a faucet has been turned on and the pressure is so strong. We cannot stop the flooding yet trying so hard to be just strong enough. Somehow holding up the mask that is so heavy it hurts to hold up. The strain pulling away safety and fear seeping out even between that which is holding up that wall, yet you strain for a little while longer. But if you let go and allow the mask down, you expose all fearing everyone will walk away. If you cannot be strong you have failed. But screaming deep within is “Help me” and “Please don’t walk away.” Please don’t hurt me echoes throughout. And we are afraid, very afraid. An expectation set so long ago, knowing full well that if anyone finds out you will be sent to the bad place where you cannot last.

So you open up just enough yet you hold back what is imprisoning you and keep quiet. And no one knows because the strength over rides what strength you show in opening up yet, no one really understands the full extent of what you are holding. But the mask gets another coat of paint slapped on and it still gets a little heavier. And you are so afraid someday that mask is going to get so heavy it will be impossible to keep up. And a small tear rolls down the left side of your face because for all these years you have been strong, stronger than you really are so no one will know and those that care will not walk away because you are trying and holding your head up and at least that is what they see until you are alone and you can allow yourself to remove that mask. But the image in the mirror looks so scary, like someone you just cannot look at and you hide even from yourself.

Sometimes wondering were they right? Do I have a right to be? Do I even make sense? And would anyone care about me if the mask fell? So you walk with that painted face each day, fake it “til you make it. But what if you cannot fake it, what if you cannot go one step more? Will you once again be alone?

Sorry this is so long, guess the words made it down to this screen.

I get afraid to post as I feel maybe I make no sense or maybe I have no right. Or maybe no one wants to hear.

dps