I'm so nervous I woke up a million times last night and finally just got up and wrapped Christmas presents to try to distract myself. I hate that I am so scared in situations like this. As I know my pdoc would point out, its because my mother was extremely harsh and judgmental of my every move, so I have translated that fear onto any situation where I don't feel in control.

Logically, I know there is really nothing harmful this woman can do to me, but my illogical, anxiety prone self is totally not listening to logic. I just don't deal well with people in general, but the idea of someone being mean to me or humiliating me just terrifies me. Sadly, my mom used to do just that, go from being physically abusive, to humiliating me in public on a near daily basis. Isn't it ridiculous that I'm 33 years old and I'm still completely terrified of my mother? I don't even have contact with her anymore, but she's like this little nagging voice always talking over my shoulder. ****, I'm freaking nuts. I'm so stressed right now my head feels like its going to break open it hurts so badly; my shoulders are pulled up to my ears from the tension. I just bit my poor husband's head off for absolutely no reason.

Luckily, I am not in a situation where I am at risk of losing my child. I, despite my illness, have done every thing in my power since he was born to make his life happy and balanced. He is well provided for; unfortunately, medical insurance is extremely unaffordable. He's not a sickly child, but I hate the thought of him not having a safety net of insurance protection, just in case.

And the idea of them even being able to get a dollar from my son's bio dad is hilarious. He'll just quit his job. In my son's whole life I cannot say his dad has even given me $1000 bucks.