Thanks Petunia, ozzie and Rap.

I have really been struggling tonight..... lots of conflicting thoughts and feelings and triggers from the past and a wish to disappear (permanently). I have been feeling sick too which isnt one of my usual symptoms, although it was when I was a child (I was regularly sick on the way to school)

I am running away from some people.... I now feel I have to both on line and f2f They have hurt me too much, and I feel, and those are MY feelings, that they have not even attempted to understand or respect me But I, like everyone else, am entitled to change my mind. That is MY stuff.

Although I am not always eloquent at expressing my pain, that does not make my pain any less. &^%$%%$ to some "doctors" I have seen

I appreciate your replies.

Bearhugs,
Fuzzy

PS My (former) therapist, although mean in many ways, did accept both my pain and "Lucy's" pain as real, intense, and valid. But some of my behaviour did not "endear" me to him and he was not shy in telling me so ... in an IMO non professional and abusive way. When someone shouts at me or is abusive, I find it hard to learn from any criticism I would like to change that but I do not think I can at this time as it triggers some very deep and overwhelming pain

I am taking care of my safety, even though I do not feel I deserve it, and I will not tolerate abuse, or what I feel is abuse, from anyone.

"Lucy" still confuses me, but she is the very young part of me who wants to be loved and to love and who hates conflict.... but who sometimes acts out when in great pain

My T identified Lucy as a baby but I do not know how accurate that is. She sometimes seems quite vocal but as I said she confuses me

I do not really feel as if I belong in the DID forum although I am grateful for those who have accepted Lucy and I. I might still post there sometimes though if I am allowed to (I am used to feeling that I dont belong so that discomfort /pain is familar and mostly (nowadays) tolerable to me)

I am sorry if this post has offended anyone. That was NOT my intention. These are MY feelings and I am trying to work towards some sort of healing.

I feel as if some may "hate" me now I have made this post. But I feel I have made some progress as I have expressed my pain more fully.....

I do NOT appreciate being judged I try not to judge people (maybe I dont always succeed) and I feel that I deserve the same respect. If Lucy is judged I feel totally invalidated (and, I have found quite recently, Lucy becomes out of control. I am a slow learner as this happened with my former (mean ..) T some time ago ...) I hate myself when I am out of control and the pain it causes to me and others.

Sorry this is so long and maybe confusing.


Fuzzy (and lucy)