I didn't want to believe it. When someone said, nothing is forever.......
I always pictured me and my husband getting old together...staying together forever...

I've already admitted quite a few times that I don't love my husband.
I was never really attracted to him.
I thought he could take care of me well and he did.
I've changed, he has changed, everything around us has changed.
I thought we were same as when we met but we are not.

I thought I was going to be same me and he was going to be same him.

whenever he hurt me...I always tried to remember when he was a lot younger. When he was too nice to me. I was waiting for him to come back
I can see clearly that he won't.

Today he decided what my happiness would be.
which is going to work on time everyday to start with.
That doesn't make me happy at all. I'll just forget about my needs and I know I will try my best to ignore my sadness and whatever they are...try to be numb....

wonder that might be the happiness...
doing things exactly same as before just like everyone else....

what stops me from leaving my husband is...
1. financial
2. our son
3. I might regret my decision
4. too depressed to do anything right now
5. feeling lazy... (yeah... pretty good excuse)

I think I also feel guilty that I am breaking some kind of promise.
I mean we swore to each other that we will stay together forever.
I guess I am quite scared to admit that nothing is forever...

I am not sure the real reason that I am feeling like this toward my husband. Is it because I really don't love him for who he is?
or is it my because of my metal health problems???

I don't know.......
if I don't know... no one can help me either so I feel quite stuck.