This is definitely a bummer farmergirl... hang in there... I hear you when you say you're hoping to keep the impulsiveness out. No one wants to go into the hospital, especially so close to the holidays and all that. I frequently have the crazy suicidal thoughts but since being on Lithium, I haven't had any real urges and no impulsiveness related to suicidal stuff. I'm happy you were able to reach out to your pdoc and T. Hopefully with careful outpatient follow-up you'll be able to stay out of the hospital. I hope you feel better soon and realize that this WILL pass. It's just a cycle... it will go away (I know that still sucks but just sometimes helps for me to think about that and realize I won't always feel horrible). Take care!!!