I know the rising feeling of badness that can reach a fevered pitch that seems absolutely out of our control. It has to be released you know? It seems the only way for relief.

I know it may seem hopeless sometimes and that your mind/emotions just seem to have their own agenda, but you are definately not alone in feeling this way.

I, too had a very abusive mother, and the ramifications are long lasting.

It is far from my intent to make you feel worse, but IMO, there really is nothing you can do to make it up to your children when you have a tantrum, especially if this behaviour is likely to be repeated in an unpredictable way. Actually, the available data are very clear on this matter. It damages them and undermines the trust, security and nurturing they can and should expect from a mother. It changes who they are.

I am confident that you want none of that for your kids.

When you feel this way do you think that you could establish a plan to reach out for help prior to progressing to a tantrum? I'm a relatively new poster here, and don't know the whole story, but is the kids' father around or of any help? Perhaps when you feel this way you can separate yourself from your kids in some way?

Maybe there is some form of self-talk or grounding exercise you could do to stave off the feelings until it is more appropriate to express them in a non-self-destructive way?

Let's talk about what you've tried that hasn't worked, and maybe all of us here can help you to find (1) some peace and (2) some measure that will help you to help your kids.