Thank you, Eliiemay...
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Originally Posted by elliemay
I, too had a very abusive mother, and the ramifications are long lasting.
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Im so sorry
The effects of having an abusive mother have made me into someone I have spent my entire life trying to change.
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It is far from my intent to make you feel worse, but IMO, there really is nothing you can do to make it up to your children when you have a tantrum, especially if this behaviour is likely to be repeated in an unpredictable way. Actually, the available data are very clear on this matter. It damages them and undermines the trust, security and nurturing they can and should expect from a mother. It changes who they are.
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That is right. I know it is true. And it does make me feel hopeless. My previous therapist, infamously known as desk-t, used to say this to me in every different way possible. It made me feel hopeless and suicidal. I have a close relationship with them, but I have these unpredictable moments when I have tantrums and it does upset the more sensitive of my kids. I dont want them to feel unsafe and unprotected or that they have to take care of my feelings before their own. I have talked to them about all of this. Especially my 11 yr old son who gets very sad when I am upset. I dont want any of this for any of them. I am trying, I am aware and I stop the tantrum way sooner than I would have been able to in the past. ANd that is where I am. And for sure, there are fewer of them as I am working with my current therapist and went on medication.
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When you feel this way do you think that you could establish a plan to reach out for help prior to progressing to a tantrum? I'm a relatively new poster here, and don't know the whole story, but is the kids' father around or of any help? Perhaps when you feel this way you can separate yourself from your kids in some way?
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Yes- it is what I am working on with my therapist. Things to do to ground myself before I go into a tantrum. I can go into angry-mode faster than I can remember to ground myself and then "watch" as I get angry. I am working on catching it earlier when I get angry and dissociate from my feelings. I am not in good control of my feelings and actions even before the tantrum starts and that is the point to ground myself as long as I can catch myself then. Which I did not this morning, I was in busy and dissociated mode.
Let's talk about what you've tried that hasn't worked, and maybe all of us here can help you to find (1) some peace and (2) some measure that will help you to help your kids.[/quote]
Thank you, Elliemay. Id love some peace. What has worked is noticing when I am getting overwhelmed, detaching and feeling more and more out of control. It works, but it is not easy to do to "catch" myself when I am "going." What hasnt worked is making myself feel guilty or dismissing where it is coming from. Telling myself just to stop. My previous (desk-t) was behaviorally oriented and her techniques did not seem to help. What was behind the anger was dismissed/ignored.