Tree- What soothing words. Im speechless. I was thinking about printing out the thread. There are so many really good suggestions that have gotten me through this evening. I feel much more aware tonight.

I havent written much in my journal though and I dont understand why. Its as if its too painful to give thought to in my journal. I have this feeling like I will explode if I write. Im supposed to write about triggers this week. Every minute is a trigger. And Im too paralysed to write.

I understand that "good enough" place. Not a flippant good enough. But I am good and I am enough. That is work to get to that place. And to be gentle. It makes me sad for some reason when you say I deserve grace and forgiveness. That I deserve of forgiveness. That is new to me.

I need better copinbg skills. Better than trying to control it. I am acting out with food again and am back down to 110. I know its all about control. Im scared. I am scared of not being able to control the 8 year old that seems to be in control when I get overwhelmed. Ftt and I talked about that a lot in the last session (I forgot about that). But I cant remember what she said to do. But I think it was something similar to what you said about balance being able to be an adult and a mother, yet acknowledging that the 8 yo wants to throw things. To allow her to be with me, tell her gentle things, and continue to be an adult. It is hard work and takes every ounce of mental energy and restraint. I guess I dont understand how to to push forward yet slow down.

How do I slow down with so many things pushing at me? Especially flashbacks of my mother. I have not had such vivid memories of her in decades. I feel like all of this will kill me, even though I know it wont. But it feels that way. I so wish I was not in this place.