Hello Amy,
Yes, it is hard. It's hard for the individual going through the crisis and it's hard for the people around them. It seems to be acknowledged that bipolar disorder can wreak havoc on an individual's personal relationships with others. I'm assuming most of that damage occurs as a result of mania but not always -- the first time my child made a suicide attempt I experienced it as a form of betrayal because I'd been doing everything I could to try and keep them alive. I was hurt, angry and frightened.

I'm still learning about bipolar disorder and especially, how it manifests in my own child's life. One of the things I am learning is that when someone is caught in the grips of a manic episode they do not have the same degree of self-control we might expect them to have and may behave in a manner that is otherwise, entirely out of character.

I've likened the manic state to someone who has had far too much to drink at a party and perhaps behaves in a manner they might later regret as a result. For those who are present at the same party we might understand that the only reason they hit on the host's wife, or knocked over the expensive lamp, or laid a punch on the jaw of the host is because they had too much to drink. But knowing as much doesn't take away the offense of the hosts, the broken lamp, or the pain of the punch -- it simply helps us understand why it happened.

The behaviors you describe above seem to correlate with a manic state. It's hard to deal with because there is the person you have known and loved, doing and saying things you wouldn't have expected them to say or do. I have had to often remind myself -- this is the disorder, this is not who they really are.

The good news is that a variety of treatments are available that can help people to greater or lesser degrees and your mother is receiving professional help. In some cases, people can stabilize very quickly. In other cases, it takes longer. We can hope for the former but we may end up getting the latter. We have to be patient and we have to hang in there if we can because relationships like the mother-child relationship are too important to let go of.

Meantime, what I would suggest to you is to learn everything you can about bipolar disorder. Many sites will offer up some clinical lists of symptoms and this can be helpful but what's also helpful is to learn from people who are actually struggling with the disorder. You can do that by participating at sites like this one, even if all you do is read -- you will still learn in the process.

It will also be helpful to learn to recognize the phases of the disorder. Previously, your mother was in a manic phase. Now, she's in a depressive phase. It seems appropriate that we respond according to the phase they are in.

In terms of my child, I've learned that when they're manic, I need to set boundaries to try to protect them but also to protect myself. For example, I lock up my car keys so they can't take my car in the middle of the night. This helps protect us both. I'm also learning where I can go and who I can talk to when I'm feeling overwhelmed, hurt or discouraged by some of the baffling behaviors. There is far more tension and distance in our relationship when they are manic.

When they cycle into a depressed state however, the situation requires that I behave in a different way. When depressed, they need me with them. This is when the impact of their manic actions begins to weigh terribly on them and they feel intense remorse, shame and self-recrimination. They are often far more open to my help and if they push me away, it's a form of self-punishment. Much as I might need the opportunity to clear the air, they don't want to discuss their previous behavior. It might be better to wait until they have reached a period of sustained stability before doing so.

Whether or not you should go visit with your family over the holidays depends on a number of factors such as how far away they might live. Do bear in mind that your mother is in a different phase now and will likely respond differently as a result. At minimum, I would encourage you to try and stay in contact with every member of your family because you're all going to need each other's support and understanding. This may be especially true of your father who likely, is continuing to work and trying to care for a spouse who's ill at the moment. My own experience has been that it's important to take a pro-active stance. For example, if your mother is not yet responding positively to the treatment she is receiving, it might be necessary for someone to take her back to her doctor or therapist.

Meanwhile, here's hoping that your mother stabilizes quickly. At the point she does, you may start to see more of the mother you once knew but it might also be necessary to do a bit of patch-up work on the relationship. Note that if you start to feel terribly distressed, you might want to consider seeking out some form of therapeutic support for yourself.

Wishing you and your family the best.