Youre an amazing mom! I always have my little one, but even the day isnt long enough before I pick everyone up beginning at 2:50 and then it can get very busy. I have easy days and hard days. Especially if they are tired and cranky. Especially the teens and now my almost 11 yr old is starting acting teenagerish.

I also feel like waiting rooms and therapy is my ONLY break. There is always someone who needs constant attending to.

I had an AWFUL experience today at my boys school basketball game, but handled it better than I thought I would. The game started 1 hour late, I knew I was going to be in trouble and the little girls were not going to last the 1 hour plus the 1 hour game. It was like I brought 2 little monkeys with me. The parents there dont get upset, other people brought little kids, but I felt like I did not have the inner strength this afternoon to be creative and occupy them. I did the best I could, no tantrums (for me!), I took deep breaths and tried to ground myself but there was a point I told them that I was taking them home. I had to talk to myself and realize I was being triggered by their behaviour. And the truth is, they were bored, any little kid would have been bored because we were there too long, but I was feeling out of control and ignored. But I did not act on anything. I was patient and we made it through the game and went out with the team/parents afterward.

Brightheart- wow, thanks. I am once again trying to find time to go out. I think I will be going out for dinnner this week with my friends. We are making plans. And even with lunch plans, I have to bring my 2 yo. She is usually occupied at lunch, but if she is not, its not worth the effort to get together with my friends. It can turn into more stress.

Sunny- Yes, I can yell and throw things. It isnt an extended thing, but they know I am out of control for the moment. It does feel like blowing off steam, too. I dont cry, but I have cried afterwards when I see the damage I have done.

About Primal Therapy- I remember reading about it in the 70s (or so). We did that in rehab. The rehab I was in had a very physical/visceral approach to recovering from addiction. It worked for me then. I wish I could do that now. How Id LOOOOOVE to have a little padded hut in my yard where I could go to scream!

I want to bring something up in therapy (Im seeing ftt wed this week). Im sure how to describe what I want to bring up. I feel like I need something "interactive" in terms of my feelings about my mother. I did psychodrama group for 10 yrs. It was a very active, experiential type of therapy. I think it has a way, for me, of going around my fears, kind of like going in the back door to get to my feelings. I dont know if ftt has any experience in "active" (I dont know what word to use for this kind of therapy) type of therapy. I am a little afraid to ask....