I dont know what Id do without this board. I really dont have anyone else to talk to about this.
I do have this fear of being judged when my little ones act up in public. There is one parent there who stares and shakes her head, but she is notorious for being this way and I dont pay too much attention. I thought Id be judged by my behavior if I got out of control. I was scared Id lose it, and I have lost it (not completely, but enough) in public.
I dont know what I am afraid of with asking ftt to do this other type of therapy with me. What could she say? no? I guess I could try. Im afraid she'll hate me and think I am too needy. maybe thats it. That I want too much from her.
Brightheart- We'll think of someplace to meet. If she can be eating miso soup, she'll be fine. I have therapy wednesday morning.....after that might work (hopefully I wont be a basketcase after the session).....lets PM more about it.....
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Would a punching bag help? I can't help wondering if some of the extra stress you've been feeling recently is not only due to the discomfort from intense therapy, but also from some part of you that needs tending to. Maybe a part that needs to go and do something for just you. Just a thought that ran through my mind...
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yes. I think it is true. I need something, but I dont believe I can or will get it, tending to, I mean.
I will post about the rest of the evening. I feel like a failure after I got through the game today. I came home and my 15 yo d had really screwed up my computer. When I realized it she wasnt even home, she was at an cooking class she takes sunday evening, she is a good girl, but I really blew it. I am too ashamed to go into detail. I broke stuff etc and I broke my telephone. Not my cell, but my home phone. S**T! I knew this wasnt good and left my house in the car. I drove around for a while and I had my laptop with me so I went to Best Buy to see if they could fix the problem and they did. I didnt want to go home. My 15 yo texted me to pick her up at her friend's house after the class, so I did and I did not get into the computer thing with her. I thought I could not even go there. I just told her I didnt want her to use my laptop and it froze up and had to be fixed. That was all. No tantrum at her. I wouldnt usually do that, anyway. We went home and I things we ok then not ok then ok and not again. I am SO not usually like this. I feel like I am losing it. I cant trust myself to have any measure of control or sanity. My 13 yo said to me, "Mommy, do you remember you had a tantrum trance?" She was holding my hand and kissing me. She loves me and wants me to know that. I have NEVER heard her say anything like that before. I said, I remember (I sort of recall bits and pieces but not that clearly). And she asked me if I remember what I did. That means to me that she is aware of a lot more than I thought. That I dont remember stuff. I feel awful. Really awful. I dont know what to say or do at this point.