Quote:
Originally Posted by BlueMoon6
I will post about the rest of the evening. I feel like a failure after I got through the game today. I came home and my 15 yo d had really screwed up my computer. When I realized it she wasnt even home, she was at an cooking class she takes sunday evening, she is a good girl, but I really blew it. I am too ashamed to go into detail. I broke stuff etc and I broke my telephone. Not my cell, but my home phone. S**T! I knew this wasnt good and left my house in the car. I drove around for a while and I had my laptop with me so I went to Best Buy to see if they could fix the problem and they did. I didnt want to go home. My 15 yo texted me to pick her up at her friend's house after the class, so I did and I did not get into the computer thing with her. I thought I could not even go there. I just told her I didnt want her to use my laptop and it froze up and had to be fixed. That was all. No tantrum at her. I wouldnt usually do that, anyway. We went home and I things we ok then not ok then ok and not again. I am SO not usually like this. I feel like I am losing it. I cant trust myself to have any measure of control or sanity. My 13 yo said to me, "Mommy, do you remember you had a tantrum trance?" She was holding my hand and kissing me. She loves me and wants me to know that. I have NEVER heard her say anything like that before. I said, I remember (I sort of recall bits and pieces but not that clearly). And she asked me if I remember what I did. That means to me that she is aware of a lot more than I thought. That I dont remember stuff. I feel awful. Really awful. I dont know what to say or do at this point.
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What you do is take it one day at a time. You try to be gentle with yourself. I'm very impressed that you kept it together while talking to your 15 year old. That takes a lot of self-control. I would have exploded, said things I regret, and threatened punishments I could never keep.
I look at it this way - you took your rage out stuff, not people. Not the best idea, and as my T would say, it would be nice to be able to talk about anger rather than acting on it, but that's not where you are right now. And that's okay.
Being a parent is hard. Being a parent of 6 has got to be insane, intense, and amazing, but really hard! Seriously, there are times when I'm counting down the days when my stepsons will be in college (dh has custody, so they live with us full-time).
I could write a book about the harmful things I've said or done to my kids, especially early on in our marriage. Guilt I will carry forever, I'm afraid.
But I do try to put my energy into making sure there are times when they remember me being a good mom. It kills me when they bring up the times I've exploded or been mean. All we can do is keep going, keep trying, keep loving, ourselves, our families.
I'm sure you know this, but it bears repeating. Be gentle with yourself, blue. The more you pick at your scabs, the longer they take to heal.
