I am having a slower day. I feel more in control today and I should call ftt, but I am feeling still so shy about it. I never thought of myself as the type who wanted to handle it all on my own, Ive been pretty good about reaching out for help, but for some reason, I find it hard now. I dont want to be seen as a "needy" patient. I am going to try try try to be willing to call this morning. I think "good enough" would be if my kids came home from school today, I drive then to piano and voice lessons, and after I picked them up they eat, do homework, play piano and clarinet. I dont have to constantly clean up. I can tell them to clean up after themselves (this is the hard part) and if my boys play too much wii, then so be it. It will be good enough. How does that sound? I dont even know. Maybe its too much- if they are in a good mood, it can go smoothly. If the boys are teasing the girls, it get chaotic.

It seem like I have to regain my footing in the here and now. Ftt has said to me that we have to go slowwith trauma so as not to open a Pandora's Box, but how do you do that? Once its opened, how do you shut it again? I am not sure why I am having dissociated rages. I am supposed to notice what triggers the rages. I wrote it down, just once sentence for each tantrum, in my jouranal. I am noticing that I dont want to write much.

Wed feels like forever away. I am cooking now and it actually is sort of grounding for me while my 2 yo is playing quietly. I am SO grateful for a couple of quiet minutes.

(((((moonrise)))) I so understand you. And my kids have brought up the times I have exploded. I find that as they get older, they get more compassionate about it. I have a lot of guilt about the tantrums I have thrown and this "other side" of me they have apparently noticed. It was always my goal to have children that were close to each other. The older girls had even delivered my younger boys (with the midwife behind them) and it was a wonderful, bonding experience for them. I wanted them to experience the birthing of a family. We have always done things a little differently. And it has been the saving grace for the emotional difficulties I have as their mother. I think without the other things we have done to make them secure and safe in the family and closely attached to each other they would have experienced me and my emotional problems much differently. These problems I have are against a backdrop of the intense love I have for them. I can only hope they feel that.

I do feel like i have been pushed too far, but how is it that I cannot directly connect it to the trauma work? Is it the dissociating I do from my feelings?It is not a coincidence that I am doing deeper work on past trauma and now I cant handle my day to day life. Ftt seems to think this is my first line of defense when I get close to feelings. I am good at disappearing.

I just wrote some things down in my journal. My h is triggering me. Big time. When he doesnt help here, whether he can or cant, when it all falls on my shoulders, I get triggered....it builds up and then I can have a tantrum.

A note of wisdom from my Yogi teabag: Live from your heart, you will be most effective. I think when I live from my heart and not from my pain or my past, I am most effective and loving with my children.