I'm having a really really hard time talking to my T about this so I thought posting it here would make it easier to talk to her. Somehow this anonymous place is easier.

There are weird things going on in my sex life that are really hard to say to my T because I am so worried she will judge me and think I'm disgusting if she knows all of this.

It is definitely related to trauma...

I've told her some. So far writing things on PC helps me be able to say things to my T for some reason. Please don't judge me. Please don't read further if you might get triggered, too. I'm just trying to get the words out there and maybe some input if anyone has experienced this.

TRIGGER TRIGGER TRIGGER

I ask for really f**ed up things during sex. This is not like me. I am a gentle person, a nice person who does not really want roughness. I want love. But I can't take love. I can't handle it. Being present during sex makes me flip out. I pretty much always imagine rape when I am having sex. It's sort of become the only way I can cope with sex, and sickeningly, it turns me on, too. Oh this is so embarrassing.

I imagine really f**ed up scenes. I mean, you can't imagine -- just the most humiliating, degrading stuff possible. But that's not enough, either.

I asked my last boyfriend for things, things to hurt me. At first, I kept the fantasies secret and just closed my eyes and went away into fantasyland during sex. But slowly I started involving him. I would ask him to pull my hair or hit me or push my head into the pillow or hold me down. Sometimes I asked him to... to stretch me out and make it hurt really bad from the inside, only I told him it felt good. I couldn't explain how it could hurt so much but fill this sick need. This is so messed up. Sometimes I wanted an*l which always hurt. I asked him to tie me up before, but he didn't want that. He would do the other things.

This one time he kept going with an*l when I told him to stop, and I started to cry, but he thought the "stop" and the crying was a role-playing thing. It wasn't. But I return to that night in my messed up fantasies in my messed up head. Those thoughts turn me on, isn't that sick? Other times we role-played rape. He liked to ask me to pretend I was asleep. I think we took the fantasies way too far. I wish he had not agreed to participate, but he thought he was giving me what I wanted. He did once have nonconsensual sex with me while I was passed out from drinking. He told me the next morning because he felt guilty. He hadn't had anything to drink. He just did it because he wanted to. Now we are broken up, and I'm afraid I'm stuck in this.

I don't know why I do this. I am so sad about the bad things that happened to me, but I ask for worse things when I choose to have sex. WTF. Other times during sex, I float over my body. I sometimes feel it's like a dream that is not really happening to me. I need it to feel like it's not really happening to me. The rape fantasies make it separate from me. It keeps the sex out of my body.. I don't know how to explain it.

Ugh this is really sick.

I'm just going to post.

Ugh.