Im soon to be married and Im very happy about it, I am truely in love. But he wants me to have the closure I cant seem to have. You see I have a daughter, and shes perfect. I love her to death, but the thing is even if she has me and Mike as her dad to be, I want her to know her real father. In all honesty I really fear that I ruined any chance of this happening. You see when I was pregnet I began to cut, Mike being one of my closest friends stood beside me, he made all those late night runs to the store for all those odd cravings of mine. It was really hard for me to continue, and I became bed ridden at 6 months. It was during that time I seriously contemplated ending it all. I was no longer with her father a man who I thought I truely had feeling for. When I told him my thoughts all he could think about was losing his child, he neve once thought about how I was feeling. Mike on the other hand, listened to me and always figured out ways to cheer me up. It never even dawned on me that he was the one. While her father ridiculed me for being weak, and self consumed in my own worries. I finaly told him I couldnt do it, and we stopped talking. I never told him I got rid of the child some how. But he came to the conclusion that I got an abortion, which if he was smart he would know is impossible at that time in the pregnancy. He got a new girlfriend who emailed me and told me what a horrible person I was for doing these things to him. I didnt know what to say except to tell her to leave me alone, or I would call the police for herassment. But the problem now is that I want her to know her father, I want him in her life even if its very little. But I could never get up the courage to call him and tell him that she was alive and doing well. For a while he emailed me and told me he wanted to be friends still, and I was okay with that, but he still treated me like dirt. Then I told him I was getting married to Mike, and he even said he would come to my wedding, and then a few days after that he just stopped talking to me, deleted me from facebook and myspace, and refuses to even talk to me. I even tried to tell him about his little girl but he says nothing. I know hes not ready for a child and I know he would never make a good parent but I still think he should know about her. And Im getting so stressed out because the wedding is coming up, and I have a child to care for, and then he doesnt even act like we are even real.
Im tempted to fly down and show up on his door step and just show her to him, but I fear for a bad outcome. I would much rather just show him pictures first. But sometimes I think hes angry that Im getting married, he always talked of marrage to me but he never asked and then we broke up because I had to move away, and he blamed that on me, but back to my family because where he was living I only really knew him. I felt out of place, but then Mike was the one there during the pragnancy, Mike acted the part of the excited father, Mike drove for three, Mike came with me to the doctor appointments, Mike saw the heart beating, Mike did eveything and Josh could do nothing. I still love Josh but Mike hes stable, come from a wealthy family as I do, has never had any drug addictions like Josh. According to my family Mike is in our 'social class' unlike Josh. Ive also known Mike since I was 3 hes been my bestfriend, hes always been there for me, I could always count on him.
Mike is 23 graduated college top of his class with three different masters. Hes smart, has a house, a good job, and he treats me with respect. He doesnt mind that I dont care for physical contact much and has never forced me to do anything I didnt want to do. He has never yelled at me or even raised his voice in all the time Ive known him. Mike has a car, is insured, has money saved.
Josh on the other hand is 21 and doesnt even have his GED, he lives in the basement of an old drug therapist of his, doesnt have to pay rent, has a stable job but spends all his money on games and movies. He doesnt have is drivers license or a car. But hes smart, he makes me think, but thats all he does. Hes also very physical, hes yelled at me, slamed doors in my face, and throws fits if he doenst get what he wants. He expecet me to always buy him thing because I 'come' from money.
Although my wedding is take place next month, Im having second thoughts. I love Mike dont get me wrong, but I also love Josh and sometimes I think my little girl has to grow up with her father and mother. Mike knows Im having second thoughts, and he understands why, he says he wont blame me or hold anything against me if I run. He says he will be there waiting for me. Im so confused. I know if I leave Mike and go with Josh my parents will cut all money ties because they know what Josh is like with money, so I will be the one struggling to keep everyone fed and clothed. And my parents dont like Josh, hes below us according to them.
I want to be a good mother to Viridiana or for short Vi. I want her to grow up in a stable place where everyone loves her. If I marry Mike she will want for nothing, she will go to the best schools, always have food on the table and have a loving dad. But if I go with Josh we sink to wellfare, average schools, she will have a father who is lazy and a mother who is never home because of work. It will be a struggle. I know the choice seems obviouse, but there is good and bad in both choices. I dont want her to grow up with social classes, to me thats old fashion, but I also dont want her growing up with a family that struggles. I dont know what to do.
I dont want to make Mike wait forever, but I also dont want to hurt Josh anymore than I have.