oh, (((((jexa))))).

you're a brave person for posting this. i relate. i know many people who have histories of abuse do too. a part of it seems to be that it was our first exposure to sexual acts, so maybe it is tied up with that. another part seems to be the desire to keep hurting ourselves. i used to ask my ex to do things and hurt me (physically) afterwards. she never would, but i think i created a situation in which it became ok for her to put her wants before mine (in terms of consent) so that relationship became quite unbalanced & unhealthy towards the end.

there is another forum i visit specifically for the trauma stuff i deal with. not that PC isn't great, but they have a whole subforum dedicated to sex where survivors get to talk about the good stuff and the bad stuff and what they are accomplishing and still struggling with. it's helped a lot to reduce my shame. reading 12 pages of other survivors sharing their rape fantasies, or their dissociative experiences, or whatever does help to make me feel less alone and ashamed and sickened with myself. i dont visit often (it gets very heavy!!) but if you would like, send me a pm and i will send you the address to the site.

i am happy to post it here but i'm not sure if it goes against forum guidelines.