Warning: the below response may contain rambling nonsense

I contacted the other guy today by IM. Got a rush when he replied. He will be away for the holidays but wants to see me again in the new year, I want to see him too. Feeling totally torn. I know I've gotten in too deep because I feel emotionally attached now, not in that I want him but that I'm desperate for him to make me feel desirable and need his validation. I feel like I'm totally out of control of the situation. Starting to obsess over how he feels about me. I know I'm using him for sex but can't handle that he is using me too, I want him to want me. (This sounds like an addiction doesn't it?) Unhealthy.

My husband has a high sex drive, I just don't want to have sex with him, it's not exciting enough. Feel like I'm pushing my sexual boundaries with this other guy and I really enjoy it.

Why can't I just be satisfied?! With anything?! I'm not happy with the sex with a man who really loves me and not happy with the relationship with a guy with whom the sex is great. And on top of this still needing more.

I want to be balanced! I'm so up and down........ feel so frustrated. Why can I know my mind in one moment and then in the next disregard the advice I've been drumming into my head all night?! Sick of trying to work out what I really want! It changes so often. I want to know my own mind and be in control!

I know I need the right treatment, therapy and meds, I'm just venting, so thanks for reading, hope I'm not annoying you all too much. (paranoid)

Is it normal to feel really lethargic but have your brain just full to burst? I can't concentrate on reading, tv, anything of much really. The thought of cooking makes me feel sick. Now I'm thinking, what if there's nothing diagnosable wrong with me? Maybe this is just me for life... untreatable and unbearable. Waiting for me to hit the self destruct button again.

Nothing makes sense anymore, me least of all. Can't define myself.