Hi e1,
Ok ill fill you in as best I can.

I left my childrens father this June.

I was being told for the 13 years we were together that if I ever left him,I would not have my children. So I stayed,and put up with all the BS from him,and his family. HE wouldnt work,I worked full time up until I became Ill with ms. He was selling pot out of my house,and I didnt know it. Why I ended up leaving is because he started growing it in our Celler.

I have fought all summer long for the rights to my children,but in September the courts ruled I am no longer to have any contact with my children what so ever. This was 7 day before my baby boys 7th birthday!!

The courts wouldnt look at his work records,and my lawyer told me not to say anything about him selling drugs,because I would go to prison along with him.

I have been diagnosed with post tramatic Stress Disorder from these events.

Why I lost rights of my kids is because I had a nervious brakedown the time I was suppose to be in court. So i missed the date.

All in the end I gave up!! I feel so guilty about giving up,but it all was doing was putting my children through pour hell,and not helping my mental state at all.

Is this all wrong of me? Is it wrong for me to just let him have the kids,and for me give up? I just wanted a happy and healthy life for myself and my children. I struggle with this every day,and have since the day I left. I knew the minute I walked out those doors I wouldnt see my kids again. Should I have stayed in the abusive relationship to save my children? I love my new boyfriend so much,but feel so guitly about loving him when Im hurting so bad for my kids.(MY boyfriend is my bestfriend and has been for a year,the relationship just kinda happened).

I had to start all over. When I left my old home,I had nothing. Not even a pair of socks.

Luckily I do have my car.

So I literally had to buy everything new and start over. Not with just material things,but emotions aswell. I had to find me with out the fact that I do not have my children to fall back on. IN that I had to find things I liked to do,watch on TV,even eat for lunch. I was lost the day I left my children. Im not the same me I was in june.

I have no friends,or family.they kinda walked out the day I lost my kids. They cant understand why I dont have any rights to my children, even though I was trying to tell e1 that my ex has told me this crap for years.
They do think that I dont care about my kids,but in my mind the best thing I could have ever done was give up fighting to stop all the pain inbetween me and their father.

Little by little I have eventually found myself. And I do have a new life,even though I feel guilty for living this new life without my children.

It took me some time to be able to laugh again,even just a smile was hard.

I was in a emotional rollercoster. And I thank God that ride has slowed down some.

I pray everynight,that my kids will some day find the real reason why I left their lifes. I love them so much,and it is very painful to spend the hoildays without them.

I now am on medication to help with this issue,and theropy as well.
I am having trouble with the ms,the stress has caused the ms to become very angry.

It is getting better.
Without my bestfriend I would be way worse than I am now. I love him alot!!

sorry for the long post but I needed to get some things out.
Thanks for listening,
aly